When I get older.... we still say that at my age. Where I am now, I'm constantly thinking.. when I get older. There's a stage in life where there is not much "you", but more living outside of yourself. Which is supposed to be our goal anyway, to learn how to live outside of our self. We are born thinking about ourselves, with our fists clenched and over the years, with our parents' help, we are supposed to start seeing more and more of the big picture. For some of my children, it's harder than for other's. There's one child that I'm always trying to teach to take food at a minimum. Just because I put a platter out that is full of food that that child loves, it does not mean they need to take a huge handful. Think about others, you can always take more small portions afterwards.
It's funny though, when we learn to think the MOST outside of ourselves and become really caring people, that's when we have the least time to really care! Finally now, I have learned to genuinely care about my friends and I have absolutely no time to spare to tell them about it.
When I reached out to my friend who is in her ninth month and told her how much I miss her, and she wrote back and really shared her thoughts and physical pains about being pregnant at 40, I felt a real connection, something I really miss in my life now. But then I did not find a moment to write back and tell her that.
I really genuinely feel and care for so many of my friends and I am using this not quite so public blog to tell you all that. I want to hear everything going on in your life, but not just the facts, the thoughts and feelings behind it. I care, for real! I want to know! Through having children, Hashem has granted me that gift of really wanting to connect to my friends. And so many people are afraid, they want to be listened to but afraid of becoming a burden by opening up too much and afraid they'll be too much or too clingy. I want to hear everything but I apologize from the depth of my heart that I can't fully constantly respond right away due to my little offspring who need my love and care more than anything. Maybe when I'm older, I can open up a website, called "I Care!" and then I will have the time to really listen and respond much more. But that'll have to be in between my hours of listening to my own children on the phone in their own respective places, G-d willing.
Yesterday was Tisha B'av. I think I was finally able to understand why we focus on something that happened so long ago. As a child, I couldn't understand. I got it, that it was sad, but so what? Here we are living fine. But, as a parent and seeing so many people suffer around the world, I tried to convey to my children what it meant to be missing something so much. It's not so much what happened many years ago, but what we are missing today because of it.
We, my daughters and I, organized a kumzits. Mainly because we like them so much and I love helping children experience something that moving and the main kumzits in the community felt that they would not be able to have the focus that they wanted to have, with a bunch of children around. I understand that, I guess - well not really because children have so much emotion inside of them that is longing to come out, they just need the right person to talk to them about it and help them. And I am not it. I went way beyond my comfort zone by inviting them all here and singing for them. I have never in my life sang a solo before and I don't think anyone besides my family has ever heard me sing. Not that I'm that wonderful, but I'm shy and self-contained if that's the word. It took a lot out of me to sing and know that lots of little girls were watching and listening. I felt like I was on show and it was quite unnerving. But when I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, I did it - to give them that experience. If not for Menucha though, I don't think I would've done it. She too, went out of her shy self and sang with me. The others joined in at some points, but mainly it was us two. But they all did not want to leave and looked like they had the best time and my children are still singing the songs this morning, so I think it was worth it.
As much as there is relief that the Nine Days are over, there is a sadness in the air. We davened, asked and talked so much about Moshiach yesterday and today we were sitting at the breakfast table eating as normal. We discussed how that was a huge bracha in itself, thinking about our dear friends who are going through their baby's surgery, far away from their other children. We think and talk about them daily and daven, daven that their son will wake up (he is still put under since his surgery last Wednesday, since he had a fever and they haven't closed him up yet) and recover quickly. And G-d willing, they too will be sitting and eating breakfast normally one day soon together as a whole family. But alas, Moshiach isn't here yet and we need to continue to push and do and hope, hope, hope...
P.S. Just checked..... his chest was closed, BH!
