Hi, long time no blog. I guess I just usually think I'm done blogging but then the urge pops up again and the blog starts calling.
You know how the world thinks that through the world of technology that Judaism is falling apart? With the downhill plunge of teenagers today in Yiddishkeit and every second person is going through some turbulence in their beliefs, everyone (that would be in all the Jewish magazine articles I read and all the speeches I hear and all the online shiurim I listen to) all just talk about how sad it is. However, THERE IS HOPE.
I believe we are now moving PAST that "off the derech"ness into a new STRONGER generation of children. Our children nowadays are seeing those teenagers, and trust me - there are a lot of them and they are just not cool anymore. They look depressed, they act like they're trying to find themselves and they are extremely cliquey. And unfortunately, they are no longer a small minority just looking for attention. Now, it's almost if, if you are a "good girl" that you are an attention seeker.
My daughter asked me to draw her a girl family of paper dolls who are all wearing matching clothes. By mistake I made one girl wearing something else. Both my girls studied them and decided that the paper doll in the more unique clothes was going to be slightly different, an "out of the box" thinker, but just to be sure, one of them said, "But don't worry. She will not be off the derech chas v'sholom. She's just different."
I think with the "off the derechness" being so much in their faces, they don't want to have anything even resembling that in their life.
I believe young children in schools all over the world are learning that if they have questions, they better find someone to answer them quick, lest they become a lost soul who couldn't get answers. We are teaching them to ask, ask, ask. We are starting them off early. The schools are changing all over and offering classes such as "tznius class" (in Boro Park) and "Honorable Mention" which is about developing your middos (here in Providence). A lot of schools are coming to the conclusion that the basic Jewish classes are not enough and they need to really teach. They are teaching answers to basic questions such as Who is Hashem and What exactly is Shabbos? No one is assuming that people know all of that through birth and shouldn't G-d forbid be thinking too deeply or they might go "off". It is so cool! With G-d's help, this next generation is going to be better and stronger than ever before in their emunah.
Please excuse the random topics as this is my spot to offload lots of heavy thoughts.
My really good friend got me a "subscription" to Dina Friedman's Master your Marriage Series. It's a ten class course through tele conference of which I listen to the recordings once a week (the live class is not at a good time for me).
The topic that spoke to me the most was about self-care. We all know about it and know we're supposed to be doing it. But Dina drove home how IMPORTANT it is that we do this at least three times a day. You know that point that you get to when you can't take it anymore and you would pay over $100 for someone to swoop in and take all those kids out so you can get some time to yourself? The point of self-care is to never reach that point because you will be in a good place all day. Also, you are a much better person to be around when you are happy and taking care of yourself. Self-care can be just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shower in middle of the day, writing, taking a walk, talking to certain people that give you clarification etc.
I was going through a lot of soul searching with trying to figure out if I should send Penina out next year. Once I realized that I need that little bit of time to myself, to get more housework done and stop answering cute two year old questions, I put "send Penina to school" in the category of self-care. Now I can do it guilt-free, because I'm taking care of myself and that is crucial for my emotional well-being. So B'ezras Hashem she will be doing a small bit of school next year from 8:30am-11:45am. Any donations towards that cause will be happily accepted;)
There are two more exercises that Dina taught that I have been using not just in my marriage, but in my basic living. She taught that we cannot get upset at people for not knowing our limits if we are not honest with ourselves in admitting them. When you feel controlled by someone, it means you did not lay down boundaries.
The first most important thing to say to someone is "Let me think about it." It gives value to that person that you are thinking about their request and you are not stepping into something without thinking it over. This is important for us nice people who tend to say yes very easily to everything. The next step would be to think it over and think "Will I regret this later?" Later, will I be happy I said yes, or will I rehash why I did this thing over and over and feel stressed by it?
When I was younger, I had a weekly babysitting job that I just could not say no to. Why? Because I always felt that I had nothing better to do. If I was going to be doing nothing, then why should I say no to helping someone out? It makes sense. But, through this questioning, "Will I regret this later?" I should've said no. Because I obsessed over how much I hated babysitting and how the only way I could say no was if I got married!
And the third thing to think about is "What do I need to be able to make this happen?" If you want to say yes to Shabbos guests, but you know that is too much for you -- what exactly do you need? This is an amazing important life lesson - at least it was for me. To be able to be honest and really think - what do I need for this to happen?
So I'm planning on saying no to having my boarder back next year. I thought about it and I want to say yes to her really badly, but when I think - what do I need to be able to say yes - I have zero answers. So I need to say no.
Practically - this is how this piece of advice changed my life. I woke up one day in a bad mood. Baby woke up at 5am, and the rest of them joined at 6. I had a headache and bla bla. By the time they left, all I could do was lay on the couch and I had a to-do list a mile long. The hours were passing and I was feeling worse and worse because nothing was getting done. How to get out of this funk? I remembered this 3 step thing and I thought - "What do I need to feel better and turn this day around?" I decided I was going to make a list of 3 things that I thought I needed. I needed 1) a nap 2) an hour by hour schedule so I can see things getting done and 3) to get outside and enjoy that sunshine and soak up that Vitamin D. And BH the day just turned right around. That last question of "What do I need to make this happen?" is really a life-changer for me.
One more exercise from Dina Friedman that I absolutely love:
In most of our relationships, whether with a husband or with anyone - we either feel superior or inferior. So if we feel inferior to someone, we should write down 3 things that that person has, that makes us feel inferior. Then we take each characteristic and find 25 ways that we have that in ourselves and suddenly we see that we are just like that person and not inferior at all!
If you constantly feel superior to someone, you would take something bad that you don't like in them and you would search and think until you can find 25 ways that portray that same characteristic, until it makes you understand that person so much better and you see that you in fact are on a more similar level than you realized.
I love this because letsay I see another mom who has messy children, feeds her children nosh all day, disregards their bedtimes and yells. That means I feel superior. So I would search and realize how many times I've skipped a bath time or let my child wear dirty clothes, or disregarded whether they ate or not before letting them have candy or yelled or had no patience to follow the bedtime routine etc. If I really search, I can find many, many times that I've done this and see that really, I'm no better than her.
This has been a real eye opener for me in many, many of my relationships.
