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Tuesday, January 31, 2017
To send or not To send?
I need some advice here. So read and please Email me afterwards, every one of you with your views so I can make a decision already and stop going back and forth and back and forth in my brain.
The Question is, should I send Penina to a playgroup that runs from 8:25am-11:45am??
I will write my thoughts pro sending her first, and then con afterwards.
It's usually at night that I feel the pro part more. I tend to get really depressed at nights, after everyone is finally asleep and the day's pressures fall off me slowly and I look at my list and I might've gotten the basics done, but not anything else. And I pass the kitchen and the dirty dishes are piled everywhere, and thoughts of "What does our boarder think of us?? How can she live like this??" flit through my head.
Then I think...if only... if only I had more time. Penina has gotten more and more opinionated in her years. She needs a lot of stimulation and conversation. No more of the "follow me around while I do my own things", now she does better with Circle Time, Parshah Time, Snack Time, and special tasks just for her. These are wonderful but I am not a teacher. I have a big house to run and if I'm not getting to anything, then who is?? And personally, I prefer cleaning over watching kids. I love organizing and running around and cleaning and putting the house in order for my family. I love jumping from task to task without being interrupted (who doesn't?) I don't have that anymore. During the day, there's Ari and Penina. Penina's naps have become more and more rare and during the night I'm exhausted from the day and winding down and find it hard to get that excitement over cleaning when the hours of sleep are dwindling before one of them wakes up crying and I spend the rest of the night taking care of someone. Sleepnophobia - the fear of not having any sleep due to children waking you up - I have that big time. The longer I stay up, the more agitated I get that there isn't going to be any sleep left to sleep.
And then there's all the self-care advice coming from all over. Be a happier mom, the family will feel the affects. I need my headspace, my alone-time to breathe and be a person. Taking care of myself is more important than having my children home. Everyone will benefit.
And then there's taking care of Ari. Putting him to sleep is a nightmare when Penina is around without anyone else to watch her. The more I tell her to shush, the louder she gets -- two year olds are famous for that.
And now for the other side:
My ideal house to run is having my children home until they are 4 years old. My mother did that, her mother did that and it's the way I'd love ideally to run my home, the type of mother that would make me feel proud of myself.
I made a schedule where I fitted in activities for Penina, such as exercise, davening and parsha. I find when I schedule it in, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time playing with her all day.
My mother was able to do it, why can't I? I did it with my other kids... How can I be home, and send a kid out? Things have been slightly calmer when I take the time out to play with her instead of just doing what I want to be doing.
In the long run, I probably would be happier having her home all the time. Ari will be happier. I won't have to run out and do drop-off and pick-up all the time - in the cold. Ari will be so bored without her, crawling around and chasing me without her constant fun entertainment for him.
If I need to put Ari to sleep, most of the time, Hashem helps and she gets busy with other things and doesn't always follow me into the room.
Even though she doesn't nap, she does take time-outs in her room daily with a bottle, and she loves those. I can have some space away from her then. I can schedule switch-off playdates where she goes out for a bit.
Is my calm really dependent on her being out? If my mind is a mess, sending her out for a few hours will not solve it. I can be happy, relaxed and there for my other children even with her home. Especially cuz she's so fun and entertaining.
I will be the mother that I want to be without having to compromise and feel like I couldn't do it all.
Maybe I should work on my self happiness without using Penina needs to get out as an excuse.
Yeah, now you understand why I can't make a decision... great points on both ends. Plus there's the financial aspect of it. Husband will do it for me, but of course it'll be easier not to.
Can any of you read through the lines and tell me what I really want or what is best for me and her???
The Question is, should I send Penina to a playgroup that runs from 8:25am-11:45am??
I will write my thoughts pro sending her first, and then con afterwards.
It's usually at night that I feel the pro part more. I tend to get really depressed at nights, after everyone is finally asleep and the day's pressures fall off me slowly and I look at my list and I might've gotten the basics done, but not anything else. And I pass the kitchen and the dirty dishes are piled everywhere, and thoughts of "What does our boarder think of us?? How can she live like this??" flit through my head.
Then I think...if only... if only I had more time. Penina has gotten more and more opinionated in her years. She needs a lot of stimulation and conversation. No more of the "follow me around while I do my own things", now she does better with Circle Time, Parshah Time, Snack Time, and special tasks just for her. These are wonderful but I am not a teacher. I have a big house to run and if I'm not getting to anything, then who is?? And personally, I prefer cleaning over watching kids. I love organizing and running around and cleaning and putting the house in order for my family. I love jumping from task to task without being interrupted (who doesn't?) I don't have that anymore. During the day, there's Ari and Penina. Penina's naps have become more and more rare and during the night I'm exhausted from the day and winding down and find it hard to get that excitement over cleaning when the hours of sleep are dwindling before one of them wakes up crying and I spend the rest of the night taking care of someone. Sleepnophobia - the fear of not having any sleep due to children waking you up - I have that big time. The longer I stay up, the more agitated I get that there isn't going to be any sleep left to sleep.
And then there's all the self-care advice coming from all over. Be a happier mom, the family will feel the affects. I need my headspace, my alone-time to breathe and be a person. Taking care of myself is more important than having my children home. Everyone will benefit.
And then there's taking care of Ari. Putting him to sleep is a nightmare when Penina is around without anyone else to watch her. The more I tell her to shush, the louder she gets -- two year olds are famous for that.
And now for the other side:
My ideal house to run is having my children home until they are 4 years old. My mother did that, her mother did that and it's the way I'd love ideally to run my home, the type of mother that would make me feel proud of myself.
I made a schedule where I fitted in activities for Penina, such as exercise, davening and parsha. I find when I schedule it in, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time playing with her all day.
My mother was able to do it, why can't I? I did it with my other kids... How can I be home, and send a kid out? Things have been slightly calmer when I take the time out to play with her instead of just doing what I want to be doing.
In the long run, I probably would be happier having her home all the time. Ari will be happier. I won't have to run out and do drop-off and pick-up all the time - in the cold. Ari will be so bored without her, crawling around and chasing me without her constant fun entertainment for him.
If I need to put Ari to sleep, most of the time, Hashem helps and she gets busy with other things and doesn't always follow me into the room.
Even though she doesn't nap, she does take time-outs in her room daily with a bottle, and she loves those. I can have some space away from her then. I can schedule switch-off playdates where she goes out for a bit.
Is my calm really dependent on her being out? If my mind is a mess, sending her out for a few hours will not solve it. I can be happy, relaxed and there for my other children even with her home. Especially cuz she's so fun and entertaining.
I will be the mother that I want to be without having to compromise and feel like I couldn't do it all.
Maybe I should work on my self happiness without using Penina needs to get out as an excuse.
Yeah, now you understand why I can't make a decision... great points on both ends. Plus there's the financial aspect of it. Husband will do it for me, but of course it'll be easier not to.
Can any of you read through the lines and tell me what I really want or what is best for me and her???
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Opposites
It's interesting to analyze the way our mothering thoughts work. There are those times, where everyone is busy and I'm able to actually wash a floor and I have this whole schedule in my head and am knocking things off, and naps are running smoothly and kids are acting nicely and I feel on the top of the world. I can do this! I am supermom #1! Bring on the kids!
And then in the same day, bedtimes fall apart, baby's sleep habits go haywire, other children start waking up in the middle of the night, the dishes don't get done for a week straight (yeah that actually happens), the mess in the house gets knee-high (ok, that one doesn't happen) and my thoughts just tumble downwards. I'm a mess. I can't do this. I need help. No one is interested in listening to me. Nobody likes me. It's me against everyone else. I'm failing at this mothering business.
These thoughts can happen hours apart! I think what we need to do is take it moment by moment and stop thinking in the big picture all the time. Just because one night is crazy, it's not my fault! It doesn't make me horrible at everything! I can do the exact same things from one night to the next and the kids can be totally different. Really what it boils down to is that I'm not in charge.
Like I told my mother - He dishes it out slowly so we can handle it. She's babysitting for a niece and nephew of mine this week while the parents are in Florida. One day the kids woke up in the middle of the night and the bedtime routine took awhile and she was exhausted. The next night everything went smoothly, they ate well, went to sleep well and she felt amazing!
Just like when He gives us easy kids, hard kids, easy kids, hard kids and usually puts one challenging child out there at a time. So when I reach my breaking point and I feel only negative thoughts, I guess I should know it's only uphill from there. And I should look forward to feeling like supermom again in a few hours!
And then in the same day, bedtimes fall apart, baby's sleep habits go haywire, other children start waking up in the middle of the night, the dishes don't get done for a week straight (yeah that actually happens), the mess in the house gets knee-high (ok, that one doesn't happen) and my thoughts just tumble downwards. I'm a mess. I can't do this. I need help. No one is interested in listening to me. Nobody likes me. It's me against everyone else. I'm failing at this mothering business.
These thoughts can happen hours apart! I think what we need to do is take it moment by moment and stop thinking in the big picture all the time. Just because one night is crazy, it's not my fault! It doesn't make me horrible at everything! I can do the exact same things from one night to the next and the kids can be totally different. Really what it boils down to is that I'm not in charge.
Like I told my mother - He dishes it out slowly so we can handle it. She's babysitting for a niece and nephew of mine this week while the parents are in Florida. One day the kids woke up in the middle of the night and the bedtime routine took awhile and she was exhausted. The next night everything went smoothly, they ate well, went to sleep well and she felt amazing!
Just like when He gives us easy kids, hard kids, easy kids, hard kids and usually puts one challenging child out there at a time. So when I reach my breaking point and I feel only negative thoughts, I guess I should know it's only uphill from there. And I should look forward to feeling like supermom again in a few hours!
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
I know I've been a long lost Blogger. Computer time lately is a rare commodity as my darling 2 year old can be nowhere in the vicinity if I want to access anything via the computer.
Recently, the day in which we were going to take a long 4 day vacation to Monsey, I had a challenging morning. I woke up with the twinges of an impending infection, which unfortunately is somewhat common with me while in nursing mode. Infections are tough because if you leave them for too long, they just get worse. It's somewhat like a headache, you know it's going to come and there's not much you can do to get out of it, so most people would go straight for the meds. Infections are slightly more complicated in that you have to actually make a visit to the dr so they can then prescribe antibiotics, which need to be picked up at the pharmacy and the pain only starts going away in the next day or two after that. My last infection was so bad, that I had to pump instead of nurse for about three days, until I the pain went away enough for me to start nursing again. My babies don't take bottles, so this was not as easy as it sounds.
Anyway, I woke up with the infection feeling. And we were supposed to go out of town that evening. We had all the kids home and Husband was going to work. So I had to get everyone packed and get the house in order in time for him to come home, light the menorah, eat dinner and get on the road. I struggled with believing that everything is for the good, and relaxing. Because really, I knew I could be sick in a few hours, and maybe I should be calling the dr. to fit an appointment in there somewhere (with our one car at work).. etc... etc... What to do, what to do... I pretty much just put it in denial and went along my day, but was filled with anxiety over what was going to happen.
Then I texted someone and unloaded a bit saying, I don't understand, Hashem KNOWS I'm leaving town. Suddenly it hit me. Hashem KNOWS. And Hashem knows me.
If He knows I'm leaving town, and He knows I get anxious when feeling an infection and He KNOWS there won't be my dr and my pharmacy in Monsey -- then why was He doing this to me??? That was such a comforting thought!! He KNOWS!! So if He knows it all, then what was I getting worried about???!!
Turns out, the infection just disappeared during the course of the day. But that thought stayed with me a lot during the trip. When the kids were out of hand, and the toddler wouldn't nap and thought she was Boss of the House, and the baby woke me up at night... He KNOWS. He knows I'm on vacation and He knows what I can and can't handle. And He specifically knows that it drives me bonkers when little baby sleeps so well and then Older child wakes me up instead -- but if He knows it all, then what am I worried about?? He knows exactly the situation and He knows exactly what drives me, Sara crazy and what drives other people crazy and that means He knows how much of the dosage of each issue He should give me - exactly. How much pain, how much gain... Who to put in the store at the same time as me so we should have a long-lost meeting (saw Rabbi Skaist in EverGreen) and what exactly should be going on in each room or house when I walk in. He knows it all. Isn't that comforting??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting phenomenon: My sis and I traded strollers. Her new, cool, hip New Yorky one was too heavy for her staircases, so I gave her my normal Providence black older one.
Today I took the kids to school with the cool NY one. I was embarrassed. To be New Yorky in Providence is not cool!! How funny. When someone is in NY, they want to have the hottest most in-style thing. When one is in Providence, they specifically do NOT want to look in-style because they get laughed at here!
Do you know how many people stopped to ask me about the stroller this morning?? I had to keep telling everyone, I had to trade, my sister needed me to. Don't worry, I didn't buy it because I want to have what is "in". And this is why I like Providence!! To live in a world where it is NOT cool to be "in"!
In my head I had to keep saying, Hashem KNOWS. He knows how I feel pushing this stroller and He chose to make me do it. What is He trying to teach me?
Maybe to show me how it feels. When I was in Monsey, eating out at a restaurant filled with people who were dressed "in", and my children and I felt like such nerdy outsiders, that was hard. Now He showed me the opposite. Don't you love Hashem's sense of humor sometimes?!
Recently, the day in which we were going to take a long 4 day vacation to Monsey, I had a challenging morning. I woke up with the twinges of an impending infection, which unfortunately is somewhat common with me while in nursing mode. Infections are tough because if you leave them for too long, they just get worse. It's somewhat like a headache, you know it's going to come and there's not much you can do to get out of it, so most people would go straight for the meds. Infections are slightly more complicated in that you have to actually make a visit to the dr so they can then prescribe antibiotics, which need to be picked up at the pharmacy and the pain only starts going away in the next day or two after that. My last infection was so bad, that I had to pump instead of nurse for about three days, until I the pain went away enough for me to start nursing again. My babies don't take bottles, so this was not as easy as it sounds.
Anyway, I woke up with the infection feeling. And we were supposed to go out of town that evening. We had all the kids home and Husband was going to work. So I had to get everyone packed and get the house in order in time for him to come home, light the menorah, eat dinner and get on the road. I struggled with believing that everything is for the good, and relaxing. Because really, I knew I could be sick in a few hours, and maybe I should be calling the dr. to fit an appointment in there somewhere (with our one car at work).. etc... etc... What to do, what to do... I pretty much just put it in denial and went along my day, but was filled with anxiety over what was going to happen.
Then I texted someone and unloaded a bit saying, I don't understand, Hashem KNOWS I'm leaving town. Suddenly it hit me. Hashem KNOWS. And Hashem knows me.
If He knows I'm leaving town, and He knows I get anxious when feeling an infection and He KNOWS there won't be my dr and my pharmacy in Monsey -- then why was He doing this to me??? That was such a comforting thought!! He KNOWS!! So if He knows it all, then what was I getting worried about???!!
Turns out, the infection just disappeared during the course of the day. But that thought stayed with me a lot during the trip. When the kids were out of hand, and the toddler wouldn't nap and thought she was Boss of the House, and the baby woke me up at night... He KNOWS. He knows I'm on vacation and He knows what I can and can't handle. And He specifically knows that it drives me bonkers when little baby sleeps so well and then Older child wakes me up instead -- but if He knows it all, then what am I worried about?? He knows exactly the situation and He knows exactly what drives me, Sara crazy and what drives other people crazy and that means He knows how much of the dosage of each issue He should give me - exactly. How much pain, how much gain... Who to put in the store at the same time as me so we should have a long-lost meeting (saw Rabbi Skaist in EverGreen) and what exactly should be going on in each room or house when I walk in. He knows it all. Isn't that comforting??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting phenomenon: My sis and I traded strollers. Her new, cool, hip New Yorky one was too heavy for her staircases, so I gave her my normal Providence black older one.
Today I took the kids to school with the cool NY one. I was embarrassed. To be New Yorky in Providence is not cool!! How funny. When someone is in NY, they want to have the hottest most in-style thing. When one is in Providence, they specifically do NOT want to look in-style because they get laughed at here!
Do you know how many people stopped to ask me about the stroller this morning?? I had to keep telling everyone, I had to trade, my sister needed me to. Don't worry, I didn't buy it because I want to have what is "in". And this is why I like Providence!! To live in a world where it is NOT cool to be "in"!
In my head I had to keep saying, Hashem KNOWS. He knows how I feel pushing this stroller and He chose to make me do it. What is He trying to teach me?
Maybe to show me how it feels. When I was in Monsey, eating out at a restaurant filled with people who were dressed "in", and my children and I felt like such nerdy outsiders, that was hard. Now He showed me the opposite. Don't you love Hashem's sense of humor sometimes?!
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