37. Happy birthday.
Just another day in the life of craziness. Space! Space! My brain
screams that about a hundred times a day. And then the other part of it
comforts me, they’ll grow up. They’ll go to school. She’s leaving on Monday to
camp and the boys will actually nap together and then there’ll be time. Time to
pick up that mess, wash the black floor and most important – put things away. I
love putting things away. A place for everything and everything in its place is
how I want everything to be.
“Will you come read the parsha with me?” comes that sweet 3
year old voice. Yes, let me just get some of my scream out. I wish I could sit
and read to you dear. I wish I could give the 7 year old a hug all the time,
and listen to him painstakingly get out those sentences, and yes run back to
school to get his mitt that he left there the moment he needs it. Yes, I wish I
could read to you, my 10 year old when you beg and cry that I never have time
for you. I wish I can give you those walks you ask me about every evening, but
alas – the half hour time slot on Sunday is the only place I can fit it in for
you. I wish I can listen and comment and listen and listen to you my almost bas
mitzvah girl, who wants to share every bit of your day and social interaction.
I wish I can buy you all those gadgets and clothes that you want so you can fit
in and be part of the crowd. I wish I can hug you and have the patience for you
my two year old when you ask for drinks on the half hour. And give you food at
the drop of a dime when you state your hunger. And dear baby all of 2 and a
half months, I wish I can rock you to sleep, or hold you all those hours and
hours that you wish for. But I am one person only one and I am selfish and need
to daven for energy despite the little sleep I am getting and I need to feed my
belly and my soul and I need my social interaction and my fun and I have many
needs too. You may think you’d be happier with a robot as a mom, without her
own needs but Hashem has made me human – a human mom. A mom who wants to look
good, feel good and be there for every one of you.
Today is my birth day. Thank you Eema and Abba for giving
birth to me which allowed me to give birth many times over.
And there are those cries again. There are two of them
demanding my attention at the moment – Boruch Hashem one is asleep for another
hour and 3 are in school for a few more hours before it ends for the year. I
have a lot more to write --- but it’ll have to wait another year.
