Challah analogy

Yesterday I decided to bake 5 lb. of challah. I bake challah maybe about once a year and I know this is not the norm for a Jewish mother but as I don't have much of an excuse except that I/we like our frozen dough challah better than all homemade challah, I will not elaborate on this subject.
It was an entire day project. I made the dough, with Penina hanging on me. It took a long time, borrowing eggs from a neighbor, holding her while kneading the dough... Then it rose and got punched for most of the day. I only got to braiding it and bracha-ing it about 9pm at night.
It was late and I started trying to braid it. It's a very sticky dough and needed a lot of flour and made a huge mess. Since I don't make challah often, I have no idea how to even go about making it look presentable and braided! Anyway, I trudged through, wondering how on earth women do this every single week and feeling confident with my decision to not have this in my life. It took long, it was messy and I had so much more things on my to-do list.
Hours later, when they were sitting on the dining room table, all 12 loaves glowing and brown - THAT'S when I figured out why people push themselves week after week. It was worth it, to feel the sense of accomplishment, to smell the delicious aroma of fresh-baked challah and to feel womanly and proud of that tedious job!
Today, when I woke up still proud, I realized what a huge lesson in life this is:
Our children! We put so much into them and we don't usually see results right away. We question why, why, why?? How do so many other women do this??? I forgot why I keep putting so much effort into this and why do I keep having so many so close together?! But then, we step back and there they are.. all glowing and brown to perfection. Or even later, when they have their own families and they're laid out on the table for you to be able to take a step back and admire... now THAT'S why I did that!

Sending kids off with Guilt

It's 3 hours later after sending my kids off to school and I'm still wracked with guilt and praying that they all are happy. One of them has had this bad cough after a bout of low fever --I'm not sure if it's been "3-5" days yet, as Google predicts. I guess I could think back to how many days have I been anxious bout her, i.e. even noticed she was coughing -- I'd say maybe 2. The cough though seems to drain her and I've given her tea, hugs and made my husband spend personal time with her, but she still seems to be dragging. I'm not sure all of it is the cough. She wants to move back to Seattle, hates school here and can't seem to find her niche. Trying to convince her that Seattle wasn't all hearts and roses, won't help, she's too young to remember anything but "it was way better". So she drags herself to school, coughing and looking like she'd love to stay home. If I were to keep her home for a cough though, that's silly since the cough may linger for weeks. I'd like to have the excuse of taking her to the doctor, but alas, in a one car family with the car gone all day, I need to have a really good emergency to have to make a doctor call.
Then there's the other daughter who woke up saying, "Whoops, I forgot to study for my huge test today." THAT'S a leftover Seattle part in her - no tests, no homework. We may remember homework on weekdays, when it's become part of the daily schedule, but weekends? Who remembers to take out their backpack on weekends???? And to top that off, on the way to school she realized she left half her books at home. Now, I know I always WANT her to learn ON HER OWN to remember things, but not by watching her face fall and picture her suffering in school without having studied and missing half her books. (Maybe if I was the martyr type, or some would call it "nice", I'd go back and bring them to her... but with my stroller-hater at home and the weather in the 20/30s.. that's not really something I can do.)
And my youngest school goer, who's been dreading school recently due to some bathroom issues that he's afraid will keep happening, which we're working on.... he needed close to 100 kisses and hugs before her let me  leave today.
I know I'm all for "let go of the guilt" but it's hard to send kids off guilt-free and enjoy the rest of the day. I hope and pray that they are all fine, happy and forgot at least half of their worries... Maybe tomorrow I will keep the cough-er home, so I can relax and not worry about her all day.

Too Blessed to be Stressed

That is my inspiration for the week - I'm too blessed to be stressed.
I've found that one sentence to remember all week works best for me. Sometimes I'm stressed/depressed and I can think of 500 reasons not to be or 500 lines of inspiration and cannot find one to focus on. I have cards written out with all the lines that I like, from my labor days (when you really need to focus on one thing only) and now I use them to remind me of what I want to aspire to.

I think a mom's proudest moments come from when things are extremely chaotic and we come out on top - without being dragged under. That is probably harder than most jobs in the world, which is why it makes us feel like we are on the top of the world after going through it.

I knew this morning would be challenging when all 4 kids crowded in my bed again at 6:30am. One had anxiety about going to school and dealing with a situation that keeps coming up, another had anxiety about new earrings in her ears and dealing with them being too tight, too loose or falling out and getting lost and the third probably was feeding off of the others and throwing out her angst again everyone. Of course the Queen Baby is attached to Mommy, especially when she senses that everyone else needs her personal Mom:)

I kept that smile locked in place, that calm voice going and BH a bit over an hour later, we made it out the door. There were so many issues in between that exit - bam-bam-bam smacking me in the face, left, right and center!! Anyone who video-taped it would find it comical. When Husband walked in towards the end, I greeted him with a smile and said, "Welcome to the fun, exciting morning!" Luckily, he got the hint and joined in with my mood. The struggling to keep the happiness mood only works with support.

This is why I send to school and don't homeschool! I have gotten comments in my life that I am the type to homeschool. I find that homeschooling parents care a lot about the education that their children are getting and personally I don't. So I may be the parent that keeps the baby in my bed (although, I'm not sure about that anymore after having done it 4 times!) and I may be the one that nurses until age 2 (not sure if I care about that either anymore!!) but I do not want my kids home all day long, with me being in charge of their education too. If there's anything I feel strongly about them learning, I'll teach it to them at home, the rest is up to their teachers to take care of. I enjoy my quiet. (And not negating anyone who does homeschool either...)

Good luck with your navigation - remember we are all going through similar situations but we are all dealing with our HUGE brachos at the same time:) We are too blessed to be stressed.

Parenting 101

Here are different tactics I thought of as to how to manage little children without getting to the yelling point:


This morning I started helping one of my children brush their teeth. I noticed they needed to brush better, so I took her into the bathroom to brush. Then the next child followed me in, just to talk. Another child joined us because she is always where Mommy is and the 4th child then joined to whine about something and yell about something else. I had all 4 children in a squooshy bathroom all vowing for complete attention. (It was 7:45am and we aim to leave at 7:50.) I tuned them all out and realized that this was my new challenge for the next 5 minutes. I already went through countless challenges since waking up with 2 fighting children in my bed and another one climbing all over me and a husband waving goodbye. I was able to remain really calm, as I thought "This is my new challenge - it's easy, I can get through this. Just remain calm." I grabbed the stinky baby and sidestepped everyone else and left the bathroom. Anyone who had a dire emergency can follow me. Most of them didn't even realize that I left.
My next challenge was wrapping up lunches, preparing water bottles, changing the baby, feeding the baby, wetting Mo's peyos, making Menucha's hair and telling everyone to get shoes on... I calmly accepted my new challenge and slowly tackled each job, one by one.
Getting out the door was a new challenge with some very talkative girls, coats, mittens, hats, backpacks, stroller and the stroller-hater...Passed BH!
The walk to school was next on the list. One child stopped, wouldn't move and started crying that their feet were cold. I could yell, "THEN GO BACK HOME AND PUT ON BOOTS BUT I AM NOT WAITING FOR YOU" or I could picture some of my mentor Mommies saying, "Come shaifeleh, hold my hand and we'll walk to school together" which miraculously actually worked! It's all about meeting each challenge as it comes, slowly, one by one -- instead of seeing it all as one big mess and attack. (Well, worked for today so I can be the big advice giver. I am not that perfect ALL the time! However, when handing out advice, it is really helpful to make blanket statements. It helps it go into the psyche more and hopefully I'll remember my own sage advice the next time it all hits -- as soon as they come home.)


Another tactic that I use is that I have a policy that I never answer to a yell of "Mommy!" If the person isn't in front of me telling me something, they are ignored. Sooner or later the yelling stops and the child comes to find me. I think this is helpful in getting my kids to stop yelling at me from miles away and also to have me remember not to raise my voice at them.


When I was in Neve, Rabbi Kelemen gave a class on Chinuch from Rabbi Wolbe. There is only one thing I remember from that class - "You do not need to interrupt every single fight that you hear. Leave the kids alone to handle it themselves." So unless they come to me to help, I leave them alone. This was hard when I was a counselor or teacher because I didn't want other people passing me by and seeing me ignoring a war a few feet away from me. However when there is no one around to judge me, I ignore away:) I love when it really all gets worked out without me. The reward is having children come to me saying "Mommy, we compromised!"
I watched a friend of mine do the same policy with two children who looked like they were never going to compromise. She helped them talk to each other. If one yelled, "there's no point in talking to him because he's not going to listen", she turned to the other side and said, "he says he doesn't feel that you are going to be listen if he tries to talk to you". Then when that child came back with a retort, she calmly turned to the first kid and relayed it back to him. I think that's helpful when you find that two children are constantly at each other's throats with no ability to reach a compromise.
Ok, that is all my parenting advice for today --- would love to hear some of your's (even if you're not a parent! Those are the best advice(s) because they aren't tainted by the exhaustion of real child raising and they are pure and innocent with interesting ideals:) )

space and contemplation

Sometimes someone tells you something about yourself and you realize how on target they are and things just start to make sense. Recently someone told me that I have a yearning to connect. More and more I'm realizing how true that is. What was different in Seattle then, from here? I didn't feel that desire to connect as much as I do here. I like to blame it on my small house or rather small condo in Seattle. Everywhere I turned, there was a mess and something needed to get done. My mind was as cluttered as my house was. My small world was cluttered, it consisted of my front lawn and the few families around me. We were happy and content just being there. I also hate, hate driving and there was a constant need to drive in Seattle. The kids had to be brought to school and picked up on so many different schedules. I go to school just as many times here, but I walk, I get to think and breathe in the crisp air and connect with Penina.
I noticed something funny. I start the morning with a rush and then an hour later I'm on slow motion. The rush is the 6:30-7:50 rush of getting 3 kids ready with their lunches, clothes, hair and various needs - plus a 4th one who's starving and needs to be changed and held. (I did see two of your advice(s) about having the kids make lunches, I have issues with that that I am going to Email you about one of these days.) So the morning feels like we're all on speed, run, run, run  - make it there on time. After the kids are dropped off, Penina has started to fight the stroller. So I decided to let her walk home. The 5 minute walk takes about a half hour, but I'm working on not letting it bother me. So my fast morning suddenly gets very, very sloooooow!! The contrast is pretty funny! The positive that've I've discovered (with all the thinking time I have on that walk) is that my 14 month old gets to experience a part of life that a lot of children don't get to have. Taking a long walk at their own leisure, with time to look at buses and cars, check out people and dogs, feel the feel of walking and crunching through leaves, debate if we should go up the steps of every house that we pass, trick Mommy and pretend to turn around and run the other way, sit down and contemplate if I want to go further... (If you're going to sit, do it in the stroller!!!). It's an experience for her - and from what I can tell, she totally loves it.


Anyway, desire to connect - back to my topic. When I come home, the house is quiet. Suddenly I have all this time to think while cleaning up the breakfast table and such. And I find that I have a sudden desire to really connect to people. I text, I email, I call and then I turn on a shiur, just to feel a connection to people - or rather just to feel. There's space in my house which creates space in my life - space to think about other people and their lives. Somehow when the kids come home, the space leaves - there's so much doing, doing, doing that there's no time for any contemplating. Then they all go to sleep and I plotz. I have no desire to do ANYTHING at night, I just want to sit and breathe. If I try reading, my eyes close. Where is that space at night? Why doesn't it come back? It's like I feel crushed by the darkness, and the evening with so much going on.

Raising Children from Esther Baila

Some interesting things I heard from Esther Baila Schwartz:


Raising children is identical to earning a parnassah (livelihood).
In the past week's parshah, Yitzchak and Rivka had a child who was "experiencing turbulence". (she likes to call it that because "going off the derech" is too permanent.) If they could have a child like that, no one should ever feel bad when their child is like that. If we invest our hishtadlus into raising our kids, the outcome has nothing to do with us. We are never supposed to feel guilty. And the opposite - when our children all turn out great, that has nothing to do with us either. Instead of feeling proud, we should feel grateful.
We should never look at other people's kids and say, "Wow, she has great kids, I wonder what she does?" Nothing different than what you do.

Random rampage of thoughts

While baking an apple in the microwave today, just like Mom-Mom taught me, I started to remember and realize how much valuable information Mom-Mom shared with me through our daily phonecalls. She taught me how easy it is to have a baked cinnamon apple in 4 minutes. You cut out the middle (pits) of the apple, put cinnamon (and sugar for me, but Mom-Mom had diabetes) on it, put it in a bowl with a teeny bit of water on bottom and microwave it for 4 minutes. Delicious, quick snack.


She taught me how to make her famous meatballs and spaghetti dinner which has been a family favorite for decades. In my immediate family now, it's very hard to find something that everyone likes to eat. Mom-Mom's meatballs and spaghetti though, is always a favorite from the moment I let the baby eat meat. For any recipe, contact me. Drooling just thinking about it, YUM!


Fried chicken - the easy Mom-Mom way. She fried it in a pot for 4 minutes, each side and then baked it open in the oven for an hour. It has the taste of deep fried chicken, but it's baked! A Shabbos favorite too.


She taught me that a person is naked without earrings on. I remember going to the beach with her and she forgot her earrings. How she yelled and screamed, that she was naked!! It cracked us up as kids. Just a few days ago, I was in a rush in the  morning (when am I not?) and forgot to look into the mirror before taking the kids to school. I glanced into a parked car window and noticed I forgot to put on my earrings! I too, yelled that I was naked and my kids thought it was hysterical. Guess, they'll always be remembering their earrings too!


She also taught me that makeup is essential. I put on makeup before doing almost anything in the mornings. It's not the best thought for Shabbos when I can't wear any, because I constantly think how ugly I look every time I pass a mirror. But maybe I got that from my mother too;) (The thinking I'm ugly on Shabbos part, not the ugly part.)


Totally unrelated next topic in blog:
Today, while pushing through the day and trying to stay motivated to get household things done, I had some revelations. That's what happens when you're home alone and it's quiet for most of the day -- revelations left and right. It's all I can do.. think, think, think.
JewishMOM.com - my mentor blogger also has revelations all the time. It made me think -- is it moms that suffer more that have the most ideas on how to be better mothers??? I think I'm a pretty exhausted mother and I think JewishMOM (Chana Jenny Weisberg) is also exhausted and wiped a lot of the time. She has about 9 kids - some older girls and lots of little ones too. Yet, she always sounds so profound and so smart and like her house is running amazing calm and smooth. But from what she writes, I know that's not true - so why does she sound that way? I think that stay-at-home moms have a lot of time to think. What do we think about? How to better our lives, because it's so hard for us. That's why we blog such profound motherhood ideas all the time - it's a search for happiness in this chaotic world full of house raising and kid rearing.


So my personal chizuk-er told me that maybe my nisayon in life is raising children and being pregnant a lot. First of course I had to correct her and tell her that it's not a nisayon. It's a bracha and most of the time I love it. Today though, I was pretty exhausted. I went into the kitchen to try to start cutting up veggies for "make your own salad" night. I realized - what if I thought - this is my nisayon today -- to push through, knock things off my list -- despite the exhausted feeling that I have, despite the baby who didn't nap well today which caused her to be extra cranky and clingy... Hashem is looking down at me and seeing --- letsee how well she does with all these things I throw at her. It's like a test, will I pass or fail? When I look at it that way, I think I could push myself just a little bit more. Then I opened the cabinet and found 3 pieces of the most amazing chocolate that someone thought I might enjoy. The perfect treat to help me along in my day's journey.


Usually while doing kitchen duties, I listen to Esther Baila Schwartz - another mentor that inspires me every time I turn her on. (TorahAnytime.com) Today, I became my own inspirer - by coming up with strong thoughts to cheer me up and jotting them down to blog about later. I finished that kitchen job on a high, as if I had just listened to the best shiur and it all came from me! See? Sometimes we can inspire ourselves from a low point to a much higher point, just by remembering some of those inspiring thoughts that are buried deep down.


JewishMOM had a peptalk on her site today about the little tricks she uses which help her in her raising a large family. She said it's the cutting corners that makes things easier. She started off by talking about polygamy and how much easier it is with more than one wife!! I know that, and I gave Shaul permission to get another one, but he won't listen. I figured we could use another one to make the meals and do the carpools.
She said that she bathes her children only on Erev Shabbos. So many mothers were so happy to hear her admit that! And I thought we were bad, by having one bath for the week on Mondays and one on Friday or Thursday night for Shabbos. It was kind of nice to hear her admit it. (No, I don't follow the same rules, it's easier to get myself in the shower than it is to gather the brood and get them in!)
JewishMOM also makes her entire week's dinner all on Sunday. I think she makes a big soup and it's what they eat all week. How nice. Every family needs to find the "cutting corners" or tricks that work for them. I'd love to take a poll and ask other moms what corners they cut to get through this huge motherhood mountain.
What corners do I cut? Well, we only have two things for dinner each night - a main and a salad. Sometimes not even a salad if I didn't have time. I'm thinking and thinking... maybe that's why I'm exhausted, I'm not cutting enough corners. I make lunches for my 3 kids every night and then I add more things in the morning that need to be hot - like chicken nuggets, or hot pretzels, or apples that need to be cut fresh or carrots that need to be peeled fresh, or pizza bread... It probably would be easier to just give them sandwiches made the day before, but I can't bring myself to make my kids eat the same thing every day!
I even wash the entire room's bedding every once in awhile - that's probably a corner I could cut... I don't think my mother cut too much corners, maybe that's where I get it from. Give me some ideas, maybe I could make this life easier.
Oh, I only have 2 laundry days!! And on one of them I don't fold, just wash. My downstairs neighbor does laundry every day. And I also end the night when I'm tired -- everything has to wait if Sara is tired, usually by 8 or 9pm. Lots of moms can't do that.


JewishMOM ended off by saying -- just remember the main thing --- to stay sane and have a calm house. Good to remember.