My motto this week is "The spiritual is up to me. But the physical is not up to me at all." -sent to me by SeminaryGirl.
I'm wondering, maybe I'm meant to push myself more than I think I should. Cuz I personally think I'm doing way too much and could use a break, but G-d thinks otherwise. No break for you, dear -- you can keep going. And some of you might say, "Too bad, if you think you need some self-care, do it, no matter what's happening." But obviously that's not the right answer because if I just took my "alone time" when I thought I needed it, then the challah dough would over-poof, (if running all over the counter is not called that already) and my baby would have to hysterically cry himself to sleep (which I've been known to do, but that's only with a "system" in place) and all the rest of the kids would miss out on their good-night kisses - (which they NEED), so I've come to the conclusion that I think I'm weaker than I am. G-d is telling me to keep going, going, going and I'm way stronger than I think I am! What a boost of confidence!
Did I get weaker? Why was I able to keep all my children home until the age of 4, but I'm desperately counting down the days until I can send the almost 3 year old out of the house? What did I used to do about the housework? Maybe my kids were in bed earlier, so I was about to start being alone from 7pm instead of sometime closer to 9. Maybe the house is bigger, more to clean and my standards got higher?
Just using this blog tonight to de-stress. Does everybody take an entire day and night to make challah? I'm always hearing of people who make challah on Friday or make it every week... Seriously, after today I'm wondering why more women don't back out (like I used to!) I put up the dough around 12:30pm (meant to start at 9am) and just got the first loaves in at 8pm. Don't laugh. Is it normal to take a few years off of making challah?
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Monday, June 12, 2017
Lost in Thought in Providence
Hi, long time no blog. I guess I just usually think I'm done blogging but then the urge pops up again and the blog starts calling.
You know how the world thinks that through the world of technology that Judaism is falling apart? With the downhill plunge of teenagers today in Yiddishkeit and every second person is going through some turbulence in their beliefs, everyone (that would be in all the Jewish magazine articles I read and all the speeches I hear and all the online shiurim I listen to) all just talk about how sad it is. However, THERE IS HOPE.
I believe we are now moving PAST that "off the derech"ness into a new STRONGER generation of children. Our children nowadays are seeing those teenagers, and trust me - there are a lot of them and they are just not cool anymore. They look depressed, they act like they're trying to find themselves and they are extremely cliquey. And unfortunately, they are no longer a small minority just looking for attention. Now, it's almost if, if you are a "good girl" that you are an attention seeker.
My daughter asked me to draw her a girl family of paper dolls who are all wearing matching clothes. By mistake I made one girl wearing something else. Both my girls studied them and decided that the paper doll in the more unique clothes was going to be slightly different, an "out of the box" thinker, but just to be sure, one of them said, "But don't worry. She will not be off the derech chas v'sholom. She's just different."
I think with the "off the derechness" being so much in their faces, they don't want to have anything even resembling that in their life.
I believe young children in schools all over the world are learning that if they have questions, they better find someone to answer them quick, lest they become a lost soul who couldn't get answers. We are teaching them to ask, ask, ask. We are starting them off early. The schools are changing all over and offering classes such as "tznius class" (in Boro Park) and "Honorable Mention" which is about developing your middos (here in Providence). A lot of schools are coming to the conclusion that the basic Jewish classes are not enough and they need to really teach. They are teaching answers to basic questions such as Who is Hashem and What exactly is Shabbos? No one is assuming that people know all of that through birth and shouldn't G-d forbid be thinking too deeply or they might go "off". It is so cool! With G-d's help, this next generation is going to be better and stronger than ever before in their emunah.
Please excuse the random topics as this is my spot to offload lots of heavy thoughts.
My really good friend got me a "subscription" to Dina Friedman's Master your Marriage Series. It's a ten class course through tele conference of which I listen to the recordings once a week (the live class is not at a good time for me).
The topic that spoke to me the most was about self-care. We all know about it and know we're supposed to be doing it. But Dina drove home how IMPORTANT it is that we do this at least three times a day. You know that point that you get to when you can't take it anymore and you would pay over $100 for someone to swoop in and take all those kids out so you can get some time to yourself? The point of self-care is to never reach that point because you will be in a good place all day. Also, you are a much better person to be around when you are happy and taking care of yourself. Self-care can be just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shower in middle of the day, writing, taking a walk, talking to certain people that give you clarification etc.
I was going through a lot of soul searching with trying to figure out if I should send Penina out next year. Once I realized that I need that little bit of time to myself, to get more housework done and stop answering cute two year old questions, I put "send Penina to school" in the category of self-care. Now I can do it guilt-free, because I'm taking care of myself and that is crucial for my emotional well-being. So B'ezras Hashem she will be doing a small bit of school next year from 8:30am-11:45am. Any donations towards that cause will be happily accepted;)
There are two more exercises that Dina taught that I have been using not just in my marriage, but in my basic living. She taught that we cannot get upset at people for not knowing our limits if we are not honest with ourselves in admitting them. When you feel controlled by someone, it means you did not lay down boundaries.
The first most important thing to say to someone is "Let me think about it." It gives value to that person that you are thinking about their request and you are not stepping into something without thinking it over. This is important for us nice people who tend to say yes very easily to everything. The next step would be to think it over and think "Will I regret this later?" Later, will I be happy I said yes, or will I rehash why I did this thing over and over and feel stressed by it?
When I was younger, I had a weekly babysitting job that I just could not say no to. Why? Because I always felt that I had nothing better to do. If I was going to be doing nothing, then why should I say no to helping someone out? It makes sense. But, through this questioning, "Will I regret this later?" I should've said no. Because I obsessed over how much I hated babysitting and how the only way I could say no was if I got married!
And the third thing to think about is "What do I need to be able to make this happen?" If you want to say yes to Shabbos guests, but you know that is too much for you -- what exactly do you need? This is an amazing important life lesson - at least it was for me. To be able to be honest and really think - what do I need for this to happen?
So I'm planning on saying no to having my boarder back next year. I thought about it and I want to say yes to her really badly, but when I think - what do I need to be able to say yes - I have zero answers. So I need to say no.
Practically - this is how this piece of advice changed my life. I woke up one day in a bad mood. Baby woke up at 5am, and the rest of them joined at 6. I had a headache and bla bla. By the time they left, all I could do was lay on the couch and I had a to-do list a mile long. The hours were passing and I was feeling worse and worse because nothing was getting done. How to get out of this funk? I remembered this 3 step thing and I thought - "What do I need to feel better and turn this day around?" I decided I was going to make a list of 3 things that I thought I needed. I needed 1) a nap 2) an hour by hour schedule so I can see things getting done and 3) to get outside and enjoy that sunshine and soak up that Vitamin D. And BH the day just turned right around. That last question of "What do I need to make this happen?" is really a life-changer for me.
One more exercise from Dina Friedman that I absolutely love:
In most of our relationships, whether with a husband or with anyone - we either feel superior or inferior. So if we feel inferior to someone, we should write down 3 things that that person has, that makes us feel inferior. Then we take each characteristic and find 25 ways that we have that in ourselves and suddenly we see that we are just like that person and not inferior at all!
If you constantly feel superior to someone, you would take something bad that you don't like in them and you would search and think until you can find 25 ways that portray that same characteristic, until it makes you understand that person so much better and you see that you in fact are on a more similar level than you realized.
I love this because letsay I see another mom who has messy children, feeds her children nosh all day, disregards their bedtimes and yells. That means I feel superior. So I would search and realize how many times I've skipped a bath time or let my child wear dirty clothes, or disregarded whether they ate or not before letting them have candy or yelled or had no patience to follow the bedtime routine etc. If I really search, I can find many, many times that I've done this and see that really, I'm no better than her.
This has been a real eye opener for me in many, many of my relationships.
You know how the world thinks that through the world of technology that Judaism is falling apart? With the downhill plunge of teenagers today in Yiddishkeit and every second person is going through some turbulence in their beliefs, everyone (that would be in all the Jewish magazine articles I read and all the speeches I hear and all the online shiurim I listen to) all just talk about how sad it is. However, THERE IS HOPE.
I believe we are now moving PAST that "off the derech"ness into a new STRONGER generation of children. Our children nowadays are seeing those teenagers, and trust me - there are a lot of them and they are just not cool anymore. They look depressed, they act like they're trying to find themselves and they are extremely cliquey. And unfortunately, they are no longer a small minority just looking for attention. Now, it's almost if, if you are a "good girl" that you are an attention seeker.
My daughter asked me to draw her a girl family of paper dolls who are all wearing matching clothes. By mistake I made one girl wearing something else. Both my girls studied them and decided that the paper doll in the more unique clothes was going to be slightly different, an "out of the box" thinker, but just to be sure, one of them said, "But don't worry. She will not be off the derech chas v'sholom. She's just different."
I think with the "off the derechness" being so much in their faces, they don't want to have anything even resembling that in their life.
I believe young children in schools all over the world are learning that if they have questions, they better find someone to answer them quick, lest they become a lost soul who couldn't get answers. We are teaching them to ask, ask, ask. We are starting them off early. The schools are changing all over and offering classes such as "tznius class" (in Boro Park) and "Honorable Mention" which is about developing your middos (here in Providence). A lot of schools are coming to the conclusion that the basic Jewish classes are not enough and they need to really teach. They are teaching answers to basic questions such as Who is Hashem and What exactly is Shabbos? No one is assuming that people know all of that through birth and shouldn't G-d forbid be thinking too deeply or they might go "off". It is so cool! With G-d's help, this next generation is going to be better and stronger than ever before in their emunah.
Please excuse the random topics as this is my spot to offload lots of heavy thoughts.
My really good friend got me a "subscription" to Dina Friedman's Master your Marriage Series. It's a ten class course through tele conference of which I listen to the recordings once a week (the live class is not at a good time for me).
The topic that spoke to me the most was about self-care. We all know about it and know we're supposed to be doing it. But Dina drove home how IMPORTANT it is that we do this at least three times a day. You know that point that you get to when you can't take it anymore and you would pay over $100 for someone to swoop in and take all those kids out so you can get some time to yourself? The point of self-care is to never reach that point because you will be in a good place all day. Also, you are a much better person to be around when you are happy and taking care of yourself. Self-care can be just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee, taking a shower in middle of the day, writing, taking a walk, talking to certain people that give you clarification etc.
I was going through a lot of soul searching with trying to figure out if I should send Penina out next year. Once I realized that I need that little bit of time to myself, to get more housework done and stop answering cute two year old questions, I put "send Penina to school" in the category of self-care. Now I can do it guilt-free, because I'm taking care of myself and that is crucial for my emotional well-being. So B'ezras Hashem she will be doing a small bit of school next year from 8:30am-11:45am. Any donations towards that cause will be happily accepted;)
There are two more exercises that Dina taught that I have been using not just in my marriage, but in my basic living. She taught that we cannot get upset at people for not knowing our limits if we are not honest with ourselves in admitting them. When you feel controlled by someone, it means you did not lay down boundaries.
The first most important thing to say to someone is "Let me think about it." It gives value to that person that you are thinking about their request and you are not stepping into something without thinking it over. This is important for us nice people who tend to say yes very easily to everything. The next step would be to think it over and think "Will I regret this later?" Later, will I be happy I said yes, or will I rehash why I did this thing over and over and feel stressed by it?
When I was younger, I had a weekly babysitting job that I just could not say no to. Why? Because I always felt that I had nothing better to do. If I was going to be doing nothing, then why should I say no to helping someone out? It makes sense. But, through this questioning, "Will I regret this later?" I should've said no. Because I obsessed over how much I hated babysitting and how the only way I could say no was if I got married!
And the third thing to think about is "What do I need to be able to make this happen?" If you want to say yes to Shabbos guests, but you know that is too much for you -- what exactly do you need? This is an amazing important life lesson - at least it was for me. To be able to be honest and really think - what do I need for this to happen?
So I'm planning on saying no to having my boarder back next year. I thought about it and I want to say yes to her really badly, but when I think - what do I need to be able to say yes - I have zero answers. So I need to say no.
Practically - this is how this piece of advice changed my life. I woke up one day in a bad mood. Baby woke up at 5am, and the rest of them joined at 6. I had a headache and bla bla. By the time they left, all I could do was lay on the couch and I had a to-do list a mile long. The hours were passing and I was feeling worse and worse because nothing was getting done. How to get out of this funk? I remembered this 3 step thing and I thought - "What do I need to feel better and turn this day around?" I decided I was going to make a list of 3 things that I thought I needed. I needed 1) a nap 2) an hour by hour schedule so I can see things getting done and 3) to get outside and enjoy that sunshine and soak up that Vitamin D. And BH the day just turned right around. That last question of "What do I need to make this happen?" is really a life-changer for me.
One more exercise from Dina Friedman that I absolutely love:
In most of our relationships, whether with a husband or with anyone - we either feel superior or inferior. So if we feel inferior to someone, we should write down 3 things that that person has, that makes us feel inferior. Then we take each characteristic and find 25 ways that we have that in ourselves and suddenly we see that we are just like that person and not inferior at all!
If you constantly feel superior to someone, you would take something bad that you don't like in them and you would search and think until you can find 25 ways that portray that same characteristic, until it makes you understand that person so much better and you see that you in fact are on a more similar level than you realized.
I love this because letsay I see another mom who has messy children, feeds her children nosh all day, disregards their bedtimes and yells. That means I feel superior. So I would search and realize how many times I've skipped a bath time or let my child wear dirty clothes, or disregarded whether they ate or not before letting them have candy or yelled or had no patience to follow the bedtime routine etc. If I really search, I can find many, many times that I've done this and see that really, I'm no better than her.
This has been a real eye opener for me in many, many of my relationships.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
JewishMOM does it again!
Click here for an article that had advice that I loved!
And make sure to check out comment #3 !!!
P.S. I hope this link works when reading this blog in an email. If not, have no fear I will post again.
And make sure to check out comment #3 !!!
P.S. I hope this link works when reading this blog in an email. If not, have no fear I will post again.
To send or not To send?
I need some advice here. So read and please Email me afterwards, every one of you with your views so I can make a decision already and stop going back and forth and back and forth in my brain.
The Question is, should I send Penina to a playgroup that runs from 8:25am-11:45am??
I will write my thoughts pro sending her first, and then con afterwards.
It's usually at night that I feel the pro part more. I tend to get really depressed at nights, after everyone is finally asleep and the day's pressures fall off me slowly and I look at my list and I might've gotten the basics done, but not anything else. And I pass the kitchen and the dirty dishes are piled everywhere, and thoughts of "What does our boarder think of us?? How can she live like this??" flit through my head.
Then I think...if only... if only I had more time. Penina has gotten more and more opinionated in her years. She needs a lot of stimulation and conversation. No more of the "follow me around while I do my own things", now she does better with Circle Time, Parshah Time, Snack Time, and special tasks just for her. These are wonderful but I am not a teacher. I have a big house to run and if I'm not getting to anything, then who is?? And personally, I prefer cleaning over watching kids. I love organizing and running around and cleaning and putting the house in order for my family. I love jumping from task to task without being interrupted (who doesn't?) I don't have that anymore. During the day, there's Ari and Penina. Penina's naps have become more and more rare and during the night I'm exhausted from the day and winding down and find it hard to get that excitement over cleaning when the hours of sleep are dwindling before one of them wakes up crying and I spend the rest of the night taking care of someone. Sleepnophobia - the fear of not having any sleep due to children waking you up - I have that big time. The longer I stay up, the more agitated I get that there isn't going to be any sleep left to sleep.
And then there's all the self-care advice coming from all over. Be a happier mom, the family will feel the affects. I need my headspace, my alone-time to breathe and be a person. Taking care of myself is more important than having my children home. Everyone will benefit.
And then there's taking care of Ari. Putting him to sleep is a nightmare when Penina is around without anyone else to watch her. The more I tell her to shush, the louder she gets -- two year olds are famous for that.
And now for the other side:
My ideal house to run is having my children home until they are 4 years old. My mother did that, her mother did that and it's the way I'd love ideally to run my home, the type of mother that would make me feel proud of myself.
I made a schedule where I fitted in activities for Penina, such as exercise, davening and parsha. I find when I schedule it in, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time playing with her all day.
My mother was able to do it, why can't I? I did it with my other kids... How can I be home, and send a kid out? Things have been slightly calmer when I take the time out to play with her instead of just doing what I want to be doing.
In the long run, I probably would be happier having her home all the time. Ari will be happier. I won't have to run out and do drop-off and pick-up all the time - in the cold. Ari will be so bored without her, crawling around and chasing me without her constant fun entertainment for him.
If I need to put Ari to sleep, most of the time, Hashem helps and she gets busy with other things and doesn't always follow me into the room.
Even though she doesn't nap, she does take time-outs in her room daily with a bottle, and she loves those. I can have some space away from her then. I can schedule switch-off playdates where she goes out for a bit.
Is my calm really dependent on her being out? If my mind is a mess, sending her out for a few hours will not solve it. I can be happy, relaxed and there for my other children even with her home. Especially cuz she's so fun and entertaining.
I will be the mother that I want to be without having to compromise and feel like I couldn't do it all.
Maybe I should work on my self happiness without using Penina needs to get out as an excuse.
Yeah, now you understand why I can't make a decision... great points on both ends. Plus there's the financial aspect of it. Husband will do it for me, but of course it'll be easier not to.
Can any of you read through the lines and tell me what I really want or what is best for me and her???
The Question is, should I send Penina to a playgroup that runs from 8:25am-11:45am??
I will write my thoughts pro sending her first, and then con afterwards.
It's usually at night that I feel the pro part more. I tend to get really depressed at nights, after everyone is finally asleep and the day's pressures fall off me slowly and I look at my list and I might've gotten the basics done, but not anything else. And I pass the kitchen and the dirty dishes are piled everywhere, and thoughts of "What does our boarder think of us?? How can she live like this??" flit through my head.
Then I think...if only... if only I had more time. Penina has gotten more and more opinionated in her years. She needs a lot of stimulation and conversation. No more of the "follow me around while I do my own things", now she does better with Circle Time, Parshah Time, Snack Time, and special tasks just for her. These are wonderful but I am not a teacher. I have a big house to run and if I'm not getting to anything, then who is?? And personally, I prefer cleaning over watching kids. I love organizing and running around and cleaning and putting the house in order for my family. I love jumping from task to task without being interrupted (who doesn't?) I don't have that anymore. During the day, there's Ari and Penina. Penina's naps have become more and more rare and during the night I'm exhausted from the day and winding down and find it hard to get that excitement over cleaning when the hours of sleep are dwindling before one of them wakes up crying and I spend the rest of the night taking care of someone. Sleepnophobia - the fear of not having any sleep due to children waking you up - I have that big time. The longer I stay up, the more agitated I get that there isn't going to be any sleep left to sleep.
And then there's all the self-care advice coming from all over. Be a happier mom, the family will feel the affects. I need my headspace, my alone-time to breathe and be a person. Taking care of myself is more important than having my children home. Everyone will benefit.
And then there's taking care of Ari. Putting him to sleep is a nightmare when Penina is around without anyone else to watch her. The more I tell her to shush, the louder she gets -- two year olds are famous for that.
And now for the other side:
My ideal house to run is having my children home until they are 4 years old. My mother did that, her mother did that and it's the way I'd love ideally to run my home, the type of mother that would make me feel proud of myself.
I made a schedule where I fitted in activities for Penina, such as exercise, davening and parsha. I find when I schedule it in, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time playing with her all day.
My mother was able to do it, why can't I? I did it with my other kids... How can I be home, and send a kid out? Things have been slightly calmer when I take the time out to play with her instead of just doing what I want to be doing.
In the long run, I probably would be happier having her home all the time. Ari will be happier. I won't have to run out and do drop-off and pick-up all the time - in the cold. Ari will be so bored without her, crawling around and chasing me without her constant fun entertainment for him.
If I need to put Ari to sleep, most of the time, Hashem helps and she gets busy with other things and doesn't always follow me into the room.
Even though she doesn't nap, she does take time-outs in her room daily with a bottle, and she loves those. I can have some space away from her then. I can schedule switch-off playdates where she goes out for a bit.
Is my calm really dependent on her being out? If my mind is a mess, sending her out for a few hours will not solve it. I can be happy, relaxed and there for my other children even with her home. Especially cuz she's so fun and entertaining.
I will be the mother that I want to be without having to compromise and feel like I couldn't do it all.
Maybe I should work on my self happiness without using Penina needs to get out as an excuse.
Yeah, now you understand why I can't make a decision... great points on both ends. Plus there's the financial aspect of it. Husband will do it for me, but of course it'll be easier not to.
Can any of you read through the lines and tell me what I really want or what is best for me and her???
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Opposites
It's interesting to analyze the way our mothering thoughts work. There are those times, where everyone is busy and I'm able to actually wash a floor and I have this whole schedule in my head and am knocking things off, and naps are running smoothly and kids are acting nicely and I feel on the top of the world. I can do this! I am supermom #1! Bring on the kids!
And then in the same day, bedtimes fall apart, baby's sleep habits go haywire, other children start waking up in the middle of the night, the dishes don't get done for a week straight (yeah that actually happens), the mess in the house gets knee-high (ok, that one doesn't happen) and my thoughts just tumble downwards. I'm a mess. I can't do this. I need help. No one is interested in listening to me. Nobody likes me. It's me against everyone else. I'm failing at this mothering business.
These thoughts can happen hours apart! I think what we need to do is take it moment by moment and stop thinking in the big picture all the time. Just because one night is crazy, it's not my fault! It doesn't make me horrible at everything! I can do the exact same things from one night to the next and the kids can be totally different. Really what it boils down to is that I'm not in charge.
Like I told my mother - He dishes it out slowly so we can handle it. She's babysitting for a niece and nephew of mine this week while the parents are in Florida. One day the kids woke up in the middle of the night and the bedtime routine took awhile and she was exhausted. The next night everything went smoothly, they ate well, went to sleep well and she felt amazing!
Just like when He gives us easy kids, hard kids, easy kids, hard kids and usually puts one challenging child out there at a time. So when I reach my breaking point and I feel only negative thoughts, I guess I should know it's only uphill from there. And I should look forward to feeling like supermom again in a few hours!
And then in the same day, bedtimes fall apart, baby's sleep habits go haywire, other children start waking up in the middle of the night, the dishes don't get done for a week straight (yeah that actually happens), the mess in the house gets knee-high (ok, that one doesn't happen) and my thoughts just tumble downwards. I'm a mess. I can't do this. I need help. No one is interested in listening to me. Nobody likes me. It's me against everyone else. I'm failing at this mothering business.
These thoughts can happen hours apart! I think what we need to do is take it moment by moment and stop thinking in the big picture all the time. Just because one night is crazy, it's not my fault! It doesn't make me horrible at everything! I can do the exact same things from one night to the next and the kids can be totally different. Really what it boils down to is that I'm not in charge.
Like I told my mother - He dishes it out slowly so we can handle it. She's babysitting for a niece and nephew of mine this week while the parents are in Florida. One day the kids woke up in the middle of the night and the bedtime routine took awhile and she was exhausted. The next night everything went smoothly, they ate well, went to sleep well and she felt amazing!
Just like when He gives us easy kids, hard kids, easy kids, hard kids and usually puts one challenging child out there at a time. So when I reach my breaking point and I feel only negative thoughts, I guess I should know it's only uphill from there. And I should look forward to feeling like supermom again in a few hours!
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
I know I've been a long lost Blogger. Computer time lately is a rare commodity as my darling 2 year old can be nowhere in the vicinity if I want to access anything via the computer.
Recently, the day in which we were going to take a long 4 day vacation to Monsey, I had a challenging morning. I woke up with the twinges of an impending infection, which unfortunately is somewhat common with me while in nursing mode. Infections are tough because if you leave them for too long, they just get worse. It's somewhat like a headache, you know it's going to come and there's not much you can do to get out of it, so most people would go straight for the meds. Infections are slightly more complicated in that you have to actually make a visit to the dr so they can then prescribe antibiotics, which need to be picked up at the pharmacy and the pain only starts going away in the next day or two after that. My last infection was so bad, that I had to pump instead of nurse for about three days, until I the pain went away enough for me to start nursing again. My babies don't take bottles, so this was not as easy as it sounds.
Anyway, I woke up with the infection feeling. And we were supposed to go out of town that evening. We had all the kids home and Husband was going to work. So I had to get everyone packed and get the house in order in time for him to come home, light the menorah, eat dinner and get on the road. I struggled with believing that everything is for the good, and relaxing. Because really, I knew I could be sick in a few hours, and maybe I should be calling the dr. to fit an appointment in there somewhere (with our one car at work).. etc... etc... What to do, what to do... I pretty much just put it in denial and went along my day, but was filled with anxiety over what was going to happen.
Then I texted someone and unloaded a bit saying, I don't understand, Hashem KNOWS I'm leaving town. Suddenly it hit me. Hashem KNOWS. And Hashem knows me.
If He knows I'm leaving town, and He knows I get anxious when feeling an infection and He KNOWS there won't be my dr and my pharmacy in Monsey -- then why was He doing this to me??? That was such a comforting thought!! He KNOWS!! So if He knows it all, then what was I getting worried about???!!
Turns out, the infection just disappeared during the course of the day. But that thought stayed with me a lot during the trip. When the kids were out of hand, and the toddler wouldn't nap and thought she was Boss of the House, and the baby woke me up at night... He KNOWS. He knows I'm on vacation and He knows what I can and can't handle. And He specifically knows that it drives me bonkers when little baby sleeps so well and then Older child wakes me up instead -- but if He knows it all, then what am I worried about?? He knows exactly the situation and He knows exactly what drives me, Sara crazy and what drives other people crazy and that means He knows how much of the dosage of each issue He should give me - exactly. How much pain, how much gain... Who to put in the store at the same time as me so we should have a long-lost meeting (saw Rabbi Skaist in EverGreen) and what exactly should be going on in each room or house when I walk in. He knows it all. Isn't that comforting??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting phenomenon: My sis and I traded strollers. Her new, cool, hip New Yorky one was too heavy for her staircases, so I gave her my normal Providence black older one.
Today I took the kids to school with the cool NY one. I was embarrassed. To be New Yorky in Providence is not cool!! How funny. When someone is in NY, they want to have the hottest most in-style thing. When one is in Providence, they specifically do NOT want to look in-style because they get laughed at here!
Do you know how many people stopped to ask me about the stroller this morning?? I had to keep telling everyone, I had to trade, my sister needed me to. Don't worry, I didn't buy it because I want to have what is "in". And this is why I like Providence!! To live in a world where it is NOT cool to be "in"!
In my head I had to keep saying, Hashem KNOWS. He knows how I feel pushing this stroller and He chose to make me do it. What is He trying to teach me?
Maybe to show me how it feels. When I was in Monsey, eating out at a restaurant filled with people who were dressed "in", and my children and I felt like such nerdy outsiders, that was hard. Now He showed me the opposite. Don't you love Hashem's sense of humor sometimes?!
Recently, the day in which we were going to take a long 4 day vacation to Monsey, I had a challenging morning. I woke up with the twinges of an impending infection, which unfortunately is somewhat common with me while in nursing mode. Infections are tough because if you leave them for too long, they just get worse. It's somewhat like a headache, you know it's going to come and there's not much you can do to get out of it, so most people would go straight for the meds. Infections are slightly more complicated in that you have to actually make a visit to the dr so they can then prescribe antibiotics, which need to be picked up at the pharmacy and the pain only starts going away in the next day or two after that. My last infection was so bad, that I had to pump instead of nurse for about three days, until I the pain went away enough for me to start nursing again. My babies don't take bottles, so this was not as easy as it sounds.
Anyway, I woke up with the infection feeling. And we were supposed to go out of town that evening. We had all the kids home and Husband was going to work. So I had to get everyone packed and get the house in order in time for him to come home, light the menorah, eat dinner and get on the road. I struggled with believing that everything is for the good, and relaxing. Because really, I knew I could be sick in a few hours, and maybe I should be calling the dr. to fit an appointment in there somewhere (with our one car at work).. etc... etc... What to do, what to do... I pretty much just put it in denial and went along my day, but was filled with anxiety over what was going to happen.
Then I texted someone and unloaded a bit saying, I don't understand, Hashem KNOWS I'm leaving town. Suddenly it hit me. Hashem KNOWS. And Hashem knows me.
If He knows I'm leaving town, and He knows I get anxious when feeling an infection and He KNOWS there won't be my dr and my pharmacy in Monsey -- then why was He doing this to me??? That was such a comforting thought!! He KNOWS!! So if He knows it all, then what was I getting worried about???!!
Turns out, the infection just disappeared during the course of the day. But that thought stayed with me a lot during the trip. When the kids were out of hand, and the toddler wouldn't nap and thought she was Boss of the House, and the baby woke me up at night... He KNOWS. He knows I'm on vacation and He knows what I can and can't handle. And He specifically knows that it drives me bonkers when little baby sleeps so well and then Older child wakes me up instead -- but if He knows it all, then what am I worried about?? He knows exactly the situation and He knows exactly what drives me, Sara crazy and what drives other people crazy and that means He knows how much of the dosage of each issue He should give me - exactly. How much pain, how much gain... Who to put in the store at the same time as me so we should have a long-lost meeting (saw Rabbi Skaist in EverGreen) and what exactly should be going on in each room or house when I walk in. He knows it all. Isn't that comforting??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interesting phenomenon: My sis and I traded strollers. Her new, cool, hip New Yorky one was too heavy for her staircases, so I gave her my normal Providence black older one.
Today I took the kids to school with the cool NY one. I was embarrassed. To be New Yorky in Providence is not cool!! How funny. When someone is in NY, they want to have the hottest most in-style thing. When one is in Providence, they specifically do NOT want to look in-style because they get laughed at here!
Do you know how many people stopped to ask me about the stroller this morning?? I had to keep telling everyone, I had to trade, my sister needed me to. Don't worry, I didn't buy it because I want to have what is "in". And this is why I like Providence!! To live in a world where it is NOT cool to be "in"!
In my head I had to keep saying, Hashem KNOWS. He knows how I feel pushing this stroller and He chose to make me do it. What is He trying to teach me?
Maybe to show me how it feels. When I was in Monsey, eating out at a restaurant filled with people who were dressed "in", and my children and I felt like such nerdy outsiders, that was hard. Now He showed me the opposite. Don't you love Hashem's sense of humor sometimes?!
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Holiday Time
A friend of mine’s student asked her why any woman would
want to slave away in the kitchen and cook for her family as much as we do.
So last week, I sat down and wrote an article about the
woman that I strive to be. The kind of woman that lives to cook all these Yom
Tov meals and not only lives it but loves it. The woman who would rather be taking
care of her children than be anywhere else. The people who I let read it,
really enjoyed it and then thought I was that amazing woman.
Unfortunately, I am not there yet. I did not post it on my
blog for fear of sounding too unrelatable. Cooking all these Yom Tov meals
definitely is hard. The key is to really try to enjoy it. Tonight, Motzei
Shabbos, when were are almost finished and are standing at the edge, just
before the last round of Yomim Tovim (holidays), I realized that I am actually
sad to see them go. A part of me wants to have the kids go back to normal school
routines and have the house look more presentable and the laundry baskets empty
once again (if they ever are), but another part of me does not want to let go.
There’s so much family time and so much deeper thinking time and so much
holiness in the air and connection to Hashem time and plus, Hoshana Raba is
that last chance to do Teshuva. Doesn’t that give the rest of the year a dismal
feeling to it? Think about it. Think about Yom Tov and all the family
togetherness, sharing meals over and over (and over and over!), going to shul
and seeing everyone dressed up and going shopping yet again and sharing sighs
with the next frum person over about food shopping for the millionth time… and
then think about winter. School. Heat. Work. Regularness. See?
When someone told me to post that article about that
wonderful person on my blog, I said, I’m not going to post it because I have
not reached that level yet. However, together – it would be nice for us to
discuss HOW we can reach that level together. To actually ENJOY our time with
our family around without yearning for that ALONE time all the time. So let’s
discuss….
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