Thoughts on, I mean after my birthday

35. I feel so middle. And it’s a strange thought, cuz I distinctly feel younger. I look at myself in the mirror and see the young girl I still am. How did 35 years pass? How did I become so middle-aged?!! Life does go by fast, it’s true. I know I was there, I lived through it all, I can’t believe I made it.

I remember sitting in the audience in 8^th grade while the principal talked about graduating year. I remember thinking, there’s no way I’m here. Graduating 8^th grade??? That’s what older girls do. And if I imagined myself at 35, it would’ve been inconceivable.

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As hours passed since that last part was written, I had time to think about my age status in between changing many diapers, nursing and putting two babies to bed (a few times). Boy have I changed since I was a kid. I may still feel young but I definitely am not the same person at all. I am more self-aware, way more self confident, very, very strong and definitely not the little, shy wimp I was. But sometimes, that shy wimp still shows up.

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And so the saga continues… this is about 24 hours later. Well, that’s pretty much the story of my middle-age life right now. Stop and go, stop and go. So it all comes down to that what I need to work on is NOT TO CARE! I was telling someone that nowadays I feel that I don’t care about as much as I used to, because things that aren’t important for the raising of my children, are just not in my brain enough to care about. When I tried to think of examples, it was pretty funny – I couldn’t, because I couldn’t care enough to try to remember what it is I didn’t care about.

Today I have about 30 things to do. I go down the list in order, because if I tried to think of what was most important, I’d stand still thinking all day. So I just focus on what it says and go do it. I usually accomplish about 5 out of the 30. But in between that, I know I accomplish the creation of entire worlds, that are not on my list. I teach my children how to love and be loved, how to care and be cared about. I organize, socialize and wipe tears and other things. I feed, I listen and try to smile through it all. Maybe this’ll be the part of my life that I accomplish the most things, even though on the outside it looks like I accomplish the least.

Thank you Hashem for giving me 35 blessed years with so much family, so much bracha and oh so much patience. As my father said, another 35 years will G-d willing take me to 70! But that’s an entire lifetime for me.

Thank you Eema and Abba for helping shape me into the person that I am and am proud to be.

Today my daughter had to dress wacky for Wacky Wednesday. It was very hard for her to dress strangely and very VERY hard to walk in the street dressed like that. It wasn’t even that different. As I pointed out to her, to the rest of the world, us frum people are always strange, so no one notices. But she struggled with her self confidence A LOT. She wanted me to tell everyone we passed that she was dressed like that only because it’s Wacky Wednesday. I kept pushing her, Be strong. Be different. Be proud of who you are. Is it going to kill you if someone thinks you normally dress like that??? Maybe that wasn’t right as I was just like her when I was younger. Would I have liked my wacky father to say, “Do it anyway! Go outside dressed like that and go strong and proud!” No!! I would’ve been mortified. It’s so strange that I’m so different now. Maybe the ones who are the most scared to be different, turn out to be the ones who are the most proud of being different later in life. Now you wouldn’t catch me in a dress that is in style, it would embarrass me to fit into a crowd. I am different and I WANT to always be different! Thank you Abba!

Little voices calling… “Mommy” and “waaah” – gotta go continue on my life’s journey…. Boruch Hashem!

Another One Joins the Gang

After a long hiatus, I'm here. I can't say I'm back as it's not really my fault that I don't blog. The blogs just don't come to me. I only blog when I feel the blog rising through me:)

I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about having children. Children are the biggest hugest bracha, besides for getting married that is. During my first year of marriage, I just felt so incredibly blessed ALL THE TIME. I couldn't fathom that this life would last. I must've been really bored before getting married (I think I was 24) but this whole life, I felt like I had only lived the past just to be there - running a home, making meals for my wonderful husband and just living in peace, playing house - the two of us. I know I'm still just as blessed, even more, but my mind is way too busy to constantly feel it now.
They say that every kid takes up ten percent of your brain, so mine is 50% gone now from what it used to be. But I get glimpses of deep thought that peeks through when I have time to myself, when the two babies miraculously sleep at the same time for more than 20 minutes, or when I shower. My showers have given me the most thinking time. You may wonder why doesn't my bed allow me thinking time, that's because I have no memory of ever getting into bed anymore. I fall asleep before I make it there.
There is so much recovery to childbirth. It's not just baby out and everything goes back to normal. And the older I am, the more it takes. The nursing is an entire saga unto itself. BH I have not had the infections I used to get, but this baby of mine has already gone on 3 nursing strikes and he's only 5 weeks old! Everytime he goes back to nursing normally, my life has been altered by the prayers and pain and agmas nefesh I went through.
My sister and I once came up with this: If you had an easy labor, Hashem is going to put pains into other parts of childbirth. We're all meant to go through pain, it doesn't always come through the labor though. Whether it's the leg veins come people deal with, back pain during pregnancy or using the bathroom post birth - Hashem divides up the pain where He feels you can handle it.
BH this time, my birth was really fast and easy. Such a relief - I was dreading it since the positive pregnancy test. It was so fast that the baby's face was bruised for the first week from his first slide experience.
But now, 5 weeks later as my body is recovering more and more and Aharon Yehuda is taking his place in the family and becoming one of us and Pesach is over and life starts again, I'm beginning to appreciate the bracha of another child much more.
Last night, when all five of them were sleeping and I actually had an evening to unpack the suitcases and fold some laundry, I wondered why I felt so down. Then Ari woke up and my spirits lifted as I picked up his delicious, warm, soft infant body and I realized, as much as I feel overwhelmed, I really am happiest when all five of them are clamoring for my attention and hanging on me and needing me.

Lessons learned from a trip

Today was Recovery Day from The Trip. Trips are just Trips when you're a kid. I remember just looking forward to trips with excitement. The night before was hard to sleep because of the feeling of excitement and that's all it was - excitement. Once you're the adult, things are so so different. Not even related - different. Excitement? Not usually. I have no space in my crowded mind for excitement. There's so much Responsibility to take care of, so many thoughts of packing and lists and "Don't Forgets". Then there's all the anxiety of traveling: Will the car work the entire time? Will we all feel well the entire ride and not need to use the loo 500 times? Will we get there safely? Did everyone eat enough and is there enough food? Will the kids drive me crazy with their demands and questions for 3 hours straight?
Boruch Hashem, we are home safe and sound and all went well. There were so many different legs to the trip. There was the 3 hour car ride to Monsey, then spending Shabbos with the 'rents and the big brother from Israel. Then there was Motzei Shabbos with the Groysmans', previously from Seattle, relocated close to Monsey. Then the trip to Crown Heights, Brooklyn for the 'rents' Seudas Hodaah. (Mom's fall last May and Dad's Subarachnoid thingy, ask me for more details). Then the Seudah/party itself and then the visit to Boro Park with the Sister's Fam and then the long trip home at night.
I learned an important lesson. I am nothing. :)
Nothing depends on me and I do nothing to bring about results. (Oh gosh, has Seminary Girl's influence changed my entire blog? Life?!)
Each and every "leg" to the trip had expected results and then the outcome was either challenging or really, really nice. For example - Shaul and I expected Penina to be really kvetchy/clingy during the Party. We expected to be holding her and taking care of her for most of it. Surprise, surprise -- she was amazing! She played with her cousins, and I hardly saw her the entire time!
The first trip was 3 hours and we had about 5 bathroom stops. The last trip was 5 hours and we only stopped once. I could not have predicted that. The sister's house - was wonderful and relaxing. After being at the party for hours and some of the kids not getting along or tantruming, we expected the kids to be hungry/tired and want to just chill by themselves. But we promised them we'd go, so we went to visit before going home. It was really really nice! We got to relax, the kids enjoyed themselves and all got involved, even the one that sticks to my side and is not comfortable in strange places!
So I learned, not to expect anything. Which just teaches you that when things DO get tough, He's obviously behind it all, because same exact beginnings, can have majorly different outcomes.

Also, when you are not meant to see things - you just don't!! Last night I thought I left my important Penina Watcher at my parents' house. (That's the monitor screen that I use to spy on her.) It made me feel empty and unable to relax or sleep. I've gotten way too dependent on that thing. I looked everywhere, searched my suitcase from top to bottom a few times, and it wasn't there. This morning, I sat down near my suitcase to pick something up, and there it was, in plain sight. Strange, but true:)

Rochel Miriam's letter of persuasion

To: Mommy and Tatty (reprinted with permission)

REASONS WHY I SHOULD GET MY OWN ROOM:

*Me and Menucha Leah will probably stop fighting in our beds.
*It will probably be a treat to sleep with Menucha Leah. [Ed. Note: When guests come and they need to sleep together.]
*We will both have our own space.
*We will probably stop screaming at each other in the morning.
*It will probably prevent us from waking each other up.
*I don't think it would be too much work to move us.
*I think we would both be happy.
*Moshe Leib might not think he is the only one who has his own room. [i.e. be upset that he has no one to share with]

Reflective Mommy Conversations

And today's Reflecting Mommy Questions are featuring:



The Young Moms in their twenties:


SUPERMOM WANABE and WONDERFUL MOM


The middlie Moms are:


EVERYBODY'S MOMMY, MARATHON MOM, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE and the I GOT THIS MOM.


And our one veteran older and experienced mom:


LIBRARY MAMA



First Question: If you could have a Mommy Superpower, what would it be?



SUPERMOM WANABE: I would like to be like "Bewitched", cuz then I can get the house cleaned and food cooked with one little twitch of my nose.



WONDERFUL MOM: The ability to function without sleep, it would give me so much more time to get things done and keep me feeling sane.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: I'd like to be in two places at once for moments like, "Can I have a drink?" and "Can you help me with my homework?" at the same time. Or picking the kids up from school and staying home without having to wake up the baby at the same time. Or go to sleep but also hang out with Hubby at the same time.



MARATHON MOM: I'd create a calm, happy and respectful home. Peaceful with no fighting or crying.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: The ability to put babies to sleep with the snap of a finger. Also I'd be really fast, like The Flash. That way my house would be clean and everything on my to-do list would actually get done.



I GOT THIS MOM: I'd be able to move things without having to get up, like The Force.
 

LIBRARY MAMA: I'd go back in time so that I could get up earlier the second time around.





Second Question: What part of the day is so challenging that if you could, you'd hire someone to do it for you and be able to just skip it?



SUPERMOM WANABE: The part of the day where I have to get all my kids into the house after their respective buses drop them off at different times and they suddenly pretend that they can't do the two flights of stairs to get to our house.



WONDERFUL MOM: The late afternoon/evening. After the baby's nap but before bedtime, when it's too dark and cold to go anywhere and we're stuck at home with me trying to come up with ways to entertain a cranky toddler.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: Definitely mornings! Everybody needs me at the same time, everybody wakes up in their bad moods. I'd love to sleep in and wake up past breakfast time and everybody is already dressed with their teeth brushed.



MARATHON MOM: Supper time is the most challenging, the kids are picky eaters and as hard as I try, they don't always want to eat what I made. It's also everybody's crankiest time of the day (I try to feed them as soon as they come home from school). They tend to cry if their spoon fell, or if they got a fork instead of a spoon. The kids argue over where to sit and which CD to listen to and if someone is sitting too close to them or they fight over the box of cereal they want to look at while eating... I wish someone could take over that part of the day!!



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Basically from about 4pm until 7:30pm. Dinner prep and bedtime are the worst. By that time of the day I am tired and the baby is fussy and it's dark outside so early lately which is depressing.



I GOT THIS MOM: Dinner/bedtime/homework time.. maybe I'd rather do it myself so I could be alone when I yell;)



LIBRARY MAMA: Bedtime. By then... I am wiped out. But then again... sometimes those are the times when I get the most connection with the kids.





Third Question: What part of the day could you just do all day long?



SUPERMOM WANABE: Sleep probably. But at some point, I would have to get up to eat.



WONDERFUL MOM: Playing with my child when he's in a good mood, reading together with him.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: Sit and hold my baby while she snuggles into me.



MARATHON MOM: Cuddle with the kids, listening to how their day was.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Mornings are nice, the baby is happy and we go out for a walk usually. I like mornings, because I still have the whole day ahead of me.



I GOT THIS MOM: The peace after the crazy time, it's so relaxing.



LIBRARY MAMA: The snuggles in bed. The times when they are telling me all of the things.





Fourth Question: What are some shortcuts that you take?



SUPERMOM WANABE: I give my baby bottles at night and I let the kids sleep in mine and husband's bed at night cuz it takes too long to go put them back.



WONDERFUL MOM: I don't give baths every day.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: Baths only two times a week. I stopped putting my older kids to bed, now they go by themselves. I don't interrupt the older kids to spend time with them before bed if I see that they're busy. Instead of asking my kids to help by setting the table or something, I say 'Here take the baby' and I do it myself.



MARATHON MOM: We eat the same dinner two nights in a row. I let the kids watch videos on Fridays so I can prepare for Shabbos.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: I buy the baby food that comes in packets and I just give those to the baby if I don't know what to make or if I want to get stuff done. Then she can walk around and eat it on her own. But lately she's been enjoying squirting them everywhere. Also, we have a dog. That takes care of a lot of cleanup. I've decided that as long as there is a baby, we have to have a dog. My floors would be disgusting otherwise.



I GOT THIS MOM: Easy suppers.



LIBRARY MAMA: I don't look at my floor! I buy prepackaged stuff like shredded cheese and presliced veggies.





Fifth Question: What are some things that have pushed you to have more kids?



SUPERMOM WANABE: Looking at that picture of somebody who died in this magazine, with seven white bearded rabbis sitting shiva for their father. Made me think, maybe those can be my kids one day!



WONDERFUL MOM: The thought that I get to raise a neshama (soul) that Hashem wanted to put into my hands to take care of.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: When I read about families with lots of kids and when I watch my own kids play so well with all of their siblings.



MARATHON MOM: I don't feel pushed or pressured to have more kids. Boruch Hashem we're happy with what we have. Being very busy with our bunch now doesn't allow me to feel any pressure.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Honestly age is a big factor because we started having kids later than most people. Also I'd rather have my kids now, instead of when I'm 40+. My body and mind can handle it now but I don't know how it would be later. I might go insane. Although mommying can be very hard and I joke about how hard it is all the time, it is very, very rewarding. This is what drives me the most to want to have more children.



I GOT THIS MOM: When I melt when I see a newborn.



LIBRARY MAMA: I love love love little babies and toddlers. I want two more but alas it is too late so I make do with other people's kids:)





Sixth Question: Besides for money, what is holding you back from hiring a full-time nanny?



SUPERMOM WANABE: My kids probably wouldn't listen to the nanny anyway. And the nanny probably would never bathe them or fold laundry or the clean the "right" way.



WONDERFUL MOM: I want to see all the milestones and accomplishments that happen in my child's life on a daily basis.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: Because I read a book and learned that it's best for children to be with their mother all the time.



MARATHON MOM: Privacy. She would know everything that goes on since she'd be living in the house. But if money wasn't an issue, we could get a seperate house for her. Then I would definitely hire someone.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Your kids become who they are around most. I want to raise my kids my way and I want them to learn from me. Plus I don't trust other people so much. I would however totally hire a housekeeper and a personal chef if we were ridiculously rich.



I GOT THIS MOM: Lack of privacy.



LIBRARY MAMA: I think it's important to be involved in all of it, not just the good parts. The hard parts are what make the good parts extra sweet.





Seventh Question: What are some moments that make you proud, give you nachas and make you reflect on your children?



SUPERMOM WANABE: When my kids have intelligent conversations with eachother or when a stranger comments "wow" about my children.



WONDERFUL MOM: When my child reaches a new stage of development, says a new word, or reaches a new milestone.



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: When all my kids play together, laugh together and I am doing my own thing while watching them.



MARATHON MOM: When I listen to my kids tell over something they learned in school. Or when they bring home "nachas notes", and when they play and talk nicely together. When they learn and do a new skill that they just learned, like potty training, learning to write, read or talk a certain way...



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: When people tell me how alert and smart my baby is. Also when they say how cute she is. I know that's silly but I love it. I'm also proud when she reaches her milestones early. When she gives me kisses and hugs, it's so nice to have a baby that interacts. At first they don't and that was really hard for me because I didn't know what to do with her or if I was even doing anything right.



I GOT THIS MOM: When the kids are well-behaved and when they help others.



LIBRARY MAMA: When I see them being kind to another kid and when I hear them having a perspective on the world that is about justice and peace.





Eighth Question: What do you love about being a Mommy?



SUPERMOM WANABE: The feeling of accomplishment. That when I'm doing nothing (when was the last time that's happened?!) I'm always doing something. Even when I'm taking care of myself, it's a mitzvah, I'm making a better mommy!



WONDERFUL MOM: Being able to impart important values to my child from an early age, helping him to explore the world and to learn new skills. Being called "Mommy" by a cute little person:)



EVERYBODY'S MOMMY: The awe that they have for me and the love and awe that I have for them, those people that came out of me. Pregnancy and birth- experiences that I'd never want to miss out on. A deep need to understand and connect to others, only comes from being a mother. It makes me a better person, to care about others and to give, give, give. To be needed so much.



MARATHON MOM: My kids are the best part, even though it comes along with its challenges.



SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: I love that my baby loves me and needs me. It can be annoying sometimes, but it's really nice to be so wanted by something so cute. Also watching her mind and body grow and seeing her character traits emerge. The cuddles and there's a lot more I love about it but it's hard to put it into words. It's all the little things, even annoying things because they're good and helping us to grow.



I GOT THIS MOM: I love being the boss.



LIBRARY MAMA: The new way of looking at the world.





And last question: Pet peeves about being a Mommy:



"Kids who have accidents all day and when they say ichy Mommy. When they don't listen and try to escape getting dressed and trying to get everyone onto the bus in the mornings" SuperMom Wanabe




"It gets frusterating when a toddler cries and screams incoherently and you have no clue what they want... they should come with dictionaries." Wonderful Mom



"The mess, the never ending mess. Everyone needing help with everything. There is no guarantee that you'll have a night's sleep when you finally get to bed. The endless washing of dishes and making lunches every day, and of course preparing 3 meals daily for everyone." Everybody's Mommy



"Feeling like I failed when I think over my day. Feeling how I shouldn't have done what I did or wishing I knew the trick that would've helped my child learn to do things differently. Also, KIDS CRYING - it really gets to me and it's very hard to ignore. Also when the house is a mess, I can't think straight and it makes me very nervous! I hate stepping on cracker pieces..." Marathon Mom



"When people make assumptions. Here's one instance: I like to go for walks. If I don't get out of the house, I go crazy. So even if it's cold, sometimes we'll still go. I always try to put a hat and gloves on the baby but she takes them off. It never fails, someone always stops me to comment about how cold it is and where are her hat and gloves. It's not like I don't try!! Also, I thought babies were supposed to sleep. Why doesn't mine?? It's ridiculous. Maybe it's teaching me to be patient and that I can't control everything. And breastfeeding?? It hurt! For the first 6 months at least. Why don't people tell you these things?! Why can't babies be born after a few more months? The first 6 months were so hard!!" Sleepless in Seattle



"When kids throw perfectly clean clothes into the laundry instead of putting them away." I got this Mom



"Always feeling pressured for time and it never being good enough." Library Mama

No Guilt! No Guilt! No Guilt!

I just gave advice to two people, so right now I'm feeling all psyched about my non guilt feelings. On Friday I texted my friend who's told me a time or two that I'm her Mommy Hero. I wrote "Your Mommy Hero is doing her Shabbos dishes on Friday!" (That's last Shabbos I'm talking about.) Then my sister mentioned dishes yesterday on Sunday. Her mother in law came over and asked if those were her Shabbos dishes sitting there dirty and my sister was mortified. She asked if I would be. And I thought about it and realized, No, I wouldn't be. I didn't get a chance to do the dishes. Oh well. And I didn't get a chance on Monday or Tuesday either. I saw them and I wanted to do them but didn't. Maybe if I was napping or sitting online all day, I'd feel guilty, but as it is, I'm not! I'm doing very important other things instead!
If we are always trying our best, and always feeling good about what it is we're doing, there is no reason to feel bad about not getting basic things done.
Yesterday was Sunday. Sundays are hard and long, most of the time. I am not used to having all the kids home all the time, with their different creative ideas and needs and fights and by the time I get them into bed, I usually feel a bit drained. So I had a lot to do but then I saw this birth stories book that I was in middle of and I saw my Dove chocolates sitting there and I said, "Just finish one story and eat one piece of chocolate." And then, why not? A few more and a few more stories, it's okay, I'm allowed to, I had a hard day. And when I was done, I did not feel one ounce of guilt. Because it's okay to take Mommy breaks, why should we push ourselves if we need some down-time? So despite me taking downtime, like to blog for instance, or to sit and eat and not run around eating, or to talk to our husbands and maybe listen to them for a good hour when they need to talk - those are still considered "doing things." If the dishes didn't get done because I was busy enjoying my chocolate, that's okay and I will not feel bad about it!

Back to inspiration

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but my husband and I watch a movie on occasion. We saw one recently that had such a great lesson to it. It's called "About Time". It's about this boy who turned 21 and his father revealed to him that the men in his family have always been able to go back in time. They step into a closet, think about when they want to go to, clench their fists and they're there.
Towards the end, the father gets cancer and is going to die. He talks to his son and asks him if he wants to know what the father has figured out about happiness in life, or would he like to figure it out himself. The son says to tell him, to help him get there faster (son is married with 2 kids by then). The father teaches him to live each day twice. The first day you actually live it and then you go back and relive it a second time, but the second time, you notice more. Since you already lived it, you know what's going to happen, so now he can relive it and touch it up.
The son does this for awhile and by the end he says he took the happiness thing a step further. Now he only lives each day once, - AS IF it's his 2nd time around.
This is an awesome way to live. If you watch him repeat his day over, you can see how he enhances his day by letsay letting his wife sleep in, while he gets up with the kids, he smiles more at everyone, hugs people and tells them he loves them... all those things we would love to do - but just get caught up in life too much and forget to.
When I woke up today, I thought - imagine this was my 2nd time reliving this day and I got to fix up the small things, what would I do? I wouldn't have poured my daughter her cereal, so I could've warded off the tantrum she had after that. I wouldn't have brought up the topic of school with my son, maybe his morning would've been smoother. I would've driven the kids to school instead of walked, to avoid the kvetches, the freezing cold weather and the crying baby. I would've relaxed about when to put Penina down for a nap and not wondered all morning if she was tired or not. I would've called my friend 2 minutes earlier so as not to have missed her phonecall while putting Penina down. There's so much I could fix up if I got to repeat today. It's interesting to try to live today as if it's the second time around - think about it!


One more inspirational thought. This week I've been thinking about the line "MAKE it a great". Instead of sitting around and waiting for the good moments in life to come around - make them all great! I was about to make lunches for the next day, and I hate doing that - then I saw my reminder - MAKE it a good one. So I turned on my favorite speaker and suddenly making lunches wasn't so bad! When Menucha was grumbling about her math homework and annoyed that she had one more page to go - I taught her - let's not wait for more fun homework, let's make this one fun! And it worked.. That's such a strong concept (thank you Seminary Girl) to make things great, instead of waiting around for the good parts of life.