just ramblings...

As I stood there holding my baby, watching the fork lift carry in our UPack cubes, I thought how different my life is now, than I would've imagined about a year ago. I'm holding my 7 month old, and I'm moving out of Seattle. If someone would've predicted this, I would've laughed them off!

I like to remind myself daily how happy we are to have Penina in our lives. I have to be careful not to say this out loud too much, because a very observant other child asks, does that make Penina more important than the rest of us? But Penina just brings joy to all of us. The other morning the kids were doing their daily morning arguing about who's allowed to be around whom getting dressed and where eachother's room is. They were all yelling and grumping and I started grumping too. Then Penina woke up and everyone who saw her just smiled and said "PENINA!" and all the grumps were forgotten. It made me realize how much joy she's brought to all of us. Definitely for me. She's brought the possibility of a large family and the knowledge that dreams can come true:)

Today Shaul and I spent the day moving all of our furniture and belongings into two small cubes. And that's it. That is us. All that's left are the people. I look around and think, "I am so lucky to be taking these people all the way across country with me!" Even though one of the hardest parts of moving are the children. Their emotional shakiness with such a big move makes it all ten times harder.

Moving is really scary for children. Everything they have ever known is changing. The world warns you about getting divorced, it's bad for children to have to live in two places.. but moving? Nobody says "don't move until the kids get older". Why is it any different? All of their familiarity is gone, nothing is the same. And the parents! They are so busy working on getting the move to happen, that there is almost no parenting love left to go around. That brings up the topic of how to parents mult-task when so much is needed from them in every situation? But that doesn't have to do with moving - that's a  question I ask myself DAILY.

How can one person be in charge of running a smooth, organized home, being a sweet, wonderful wife, and being "Mommy" to individual, young children? If we're missing one ounce of perfection, like we have a headache or am tired or distracted, then the whole tower comes crashing down. How can we expect anything BUT perfection - there's so much at stake! I'm all for the 3 wives... if I could have the job of focusing on the pregnancies, nursing and raising the children, that would be easier. Wife #2 could do the shopping and menu planning and #3 could do the carpooling, bathroom cleaning, night awakenings. The dad could do all the discipline. Team effort. What was I writing about today?

Mommy - that's me!

I'm still getting the "How do you feel about this move" question. And I still can't answer.

I think the feeling of excitement is a child's emotion. As an adult, with all the responsibility that comes with moving, there's just no room for excitement. Outsiders though, that don't have to think about getting an entire house empty and into boxes may be unable to understand why I don't wake up feeling excited.

With the age and personality of the children that I have, I feel that for about 90% of the day, my hands are tied. Only 10% of my time really feels free to do the things that occupy my brain for 100% of the day and night. I think I am in the middle of the tornado of my life. I used to be a kid and one day I'll be old - but in the meantime the "me" is checked out. From the moment I wake up until the next moment that I wake up, I'm busy being there for everybody in my house. I'm there emotionally, physically and I'm there to listen to all of their thoughts that come pouring out. (That's why this blog is so important to me - haha - I need to be heard too!)

Tonight we went out to eat with the extended family. I was asked, "What would you like to eat?" I thought, "Me?? Who's that?" I figured I'd eat what everybody else orders and can't finish. Who cares? It's all food (which I crave all the time, being the nursing mom that I am) and it's all good. Do you want something to drink? Waters fine - I just need to be hydrated to continue nursing my baby.

I know this is what they warn you about - making sure you find time for YOU - but I'm not sure where to find that time when I choose to be a nursing only mom with no feeding schedule. That means my baby and I can never be too far away from each other for too long. I am her and she is me. And who doesn't want to be a part of Penina? You should see the light in her eyes when she spots me across a room - it's totally worth losing myself over!

Mommies are everything to young children. Maybe to older children too. At least I know my mom is still everything to me. When I call, she better be available! I'm not sure where to fit my own thoughts into this world or even if I care to have them to begin with.

Keeping quiet instead of speaking up in the wrong situations

In my friend's latest blog, about working on competition, it reminded me of something similar I've been working on. I'm writing about it because I feel that it's a huge thing that can help lots of people with their relationships.

I used to feel that I needed to point out in different people if they were sneaking something by me. I didn't want to be that person that felt left out of things. I wanted everyone to know that "I know" and you can't try to get past me. I'm trying to think of examples that are not too personal.
Like pregnancies. If I guessed that one of my family members were pregnant, I'd usually make sure to let them know (after confirming it with my mom), so that they couldn't trick me.
Or if someone who told me they didn't watch movies or something of the sort and then they did, I'd point it out. Like Hah, got ya!

Over Pesach, I read a story in Kids Speak to my children that I really enjoyed. I've heard this message before too, so it's real. It was about someone who was humiliated in public and kept quiet. The message in the story goes that Beloved is the person to G-d, who remains quiet when they are humiliated.

I interpreted this in a different way and took it to heart. Now, when I notice a bad trait in a close relationship, even with my husband, I will say to myself. "My job is to focus on the positive of this relationship. THE OTHER PERSON'S job is to focus on their part of the relationship. That's not my job and I will stay out their business." This is very hard, but it works wonders in the husband/wife relationship. If you see some trait that you don't like, and you tell yourself that your job is to make your marriage positive, but your husband's job is to work on his side, it really helps you overlook a lot of things.

How this would fit into a pregnancy secret would be - my job is to focus on my world and the things people are willing to tell me. That other person will work on their relationship and tell me on their own terms.

The way this helps me is by thinking of the person who is humiliated but keeps quiet. I can notice things but keep quiet and this will help me be a better person.

Hashem can come up with solutions to any problems.

Back in the days when I was in labor, I made up some "chizuk" cards to look at when it got too intense and I needed to refocus.
Now I use those cards all the time to remind me of the important things. Yesterday I took out the card that said "Hashem can come up with solutions to any problems". Now since the cards usually end up predicting my week, I thought, "Oh no! What problems am I going to have to think of solutions to?!" By today, I have solutions to most of my (immediate) problems.

Last night,  I really needed to get some sleep as Penina had behaved like a typical un-sleep-trained baby the night before. Solution #1 hit me nice and easy. We ate out at a friend's last night. Penina fell asleep within minutes in the car, as it was 6pm. Then predictably she woke up 40 minutes later during the BBQ we were at. I fed her and got her back to sleep (this was her night sleep she was supposed to take) but then of course when I took her back outside to lay her in the stroller, she peeked out and noticed what she was missing. She then stayed up until we got home at 9pm (which is UNHEARD of with this scheduled mom.)
Then she slept straight until 4:15! This mommy actually got about 5 straight hours of sleep - also unheard of in a long time!!

Now, since I had actually slept, I had the brains to suddenly come up with Solution #2 and 3. Yesterday, the girls had nice, long playdates. However, with Penina at home and Moshe Leib having such a short playdate (nobody wants to watch a 4 1/2 year old for too long!) not much got done around the house. Swoops in Hashem to put awesome ideas into my head at 4am. Why not get a babysitter to watch both of them at MY house??? Duh. I had always assumed I needed to find them playdates and just keep Penina home and work in between taking care of her. So, G-d willing next Sunday I'll have someone here instead.

Solution #3 - we had a doctor's appointment this morning and I had to take all 4 kids with me. This is usually hard with my 4 year old who demands all of my attention and the cute baby whom everyone wants to play with and hold and can't focus on anything else. Blast of a good idea - Shaul could take Penina to visit his grandma, who lived close by to the doctor and he had been feeling guilty about not visiting her one last time!
It was risky as Penina and I are pretty attached, but she woke up late today (Solution #4) and nursed really well this morning, so off he went.
And the doctor appointment ran very smoothly BH.

The point of this piece of chizuk is --- so many challenges come up all the time. We wrack our brains trying to come up with answers to have things work out. Why should we? He's got all the answers!

Things I will miss..

First -- just digesting shocking news that our good friends, who have girls in both my girls' classes, are moving to Chicago!

Anyway, here's my list for today:

Things I will miss most about Seattle:

* The little Library up the street that I steal books from almost daily!
* The beautiful weather all year round and no snow!
* The Wren Family (if you live here, you'll know what I mean)


Things I will NOT miss:

*The extra hour in the morning and extra 3 hours in the afternoon where my preschooler has to be home. (This is especially noticeable during these last moving days)
*Carpool.
*Parking my car on the street and walking the 2 minutes to my house and all the gate codes. Oh, I will really enjoy that driveway [in Providence].

Wow, This Place is so Organized, Maybe we Should Stay!"

This morning I opened up the coat closet and it was beautiful! Who would've known that by removing the tall white shelf, the coats would hang much nicer and neater?
The dishes are getting done every night. My husband is feeling accomplished, organized and happy. We have a focus and things are getting done. Why are we leaving again?

We went through every room in the house and threw away all the garbage. We now have piles and piles of stuff that needs a new home.

My piece of advice: Don't wait until you have to move!!! This is amazing. There's room to move, breathe, we could see the inside of closets and drawers now.

Time

Let me tell you a little bit about time:

We are not in control of it at all.

I have two opposite stories that happened to me recently that taught me this simple idea.

As the Gallor family seder was going on and didn't look like there was going to be an end anytime that night, I panicked. I thought, "How am I going to be able to survive on so few hours/minutes of sleep? Penina will wake me up the moment I go down and then it's only an hour or two until she's up for the day." So, I flew ahead on my own, at 2am, when they were only up to "Dayainu".
Zooms in Hashem to teach me a lesson. I only got about 2 hours of sleep. Penina chose that night to wake up about once an hour. Normally as a sleep-trainer in training, I'd just let her cry. However, I was in a room with my entire family and couldn't bear to let make a peep, as the other kids had gone to sleep at a very late hour too and I didn't want her waking them up. I was upstairs playing with her at 5am, after having hardly slept.
Shaul had come into bed at 4:30 (I waved calmly while still awake) and slept til about 9.
Lesson learned: When you make the effort to do something important, Hashem will help. I wouldn't have gotten any more sleep, if I had stayed up for the entire seder like the grown-ups are supposed to!

Second opposite story:
Moshe Leib's carpool can come anytime between 8am and 9am. Yesterday Penina was showing signs of tiredness from about 8:15. I kept thinking his ride was coming any minute, so I held her off. I didn't want to get stuck nursing upstairs, unable to hear the door. I took the two kids outside, and waited and waited. My frustration was growing, as Penina was sucking on my shirt looking on the verge of falling asleep. I also had a HUGE list that I needed to get to, as it was the first school day after over a week of no school (Pesach). We waited and waited. I practiced my meditation of C.A.T. It stands for Calm. Accept. Trust. and I worked on accepting G-d's will of Lateness.

Turns out - Penina took the best nap in a long time of 1.5 hours! Usually she takes a 30-40 minute morning nap, but I guess that extra 45 minutes of waiting, caused her to be extra tired and I was able to get so much more done than I could've imagined.

As I said, time is just completely not under our control, as much as we think we know what's going on.